It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Life has been busy these last couple of months. Let's see, what happened, again? hehe... Me and my bad memory!

We had our 3rd year anniversary on July 16. We went kayaking at Back Bay (Newport Beach) and King took me to the Palm Terrace restaurant in the Island Hotel. VERY fun! We talked about our relationship and the past year and I asked him how it was for him. He answered, "It was one of the worst years I've ever had." And then he looked at me and we had to laugh because it was SO true, yet it wasn't the most feel good answer. (We're used to that kinda weird irony in our conversations already.) I told him that I agreed. "But," he continued, "I would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but you." I thought that was one of the most special things he's ever said to me.

Another things is that we are both training for the Disney Half Marathon on September 6 (Yikes! 3 weeks away!) and I have run farther and more than I ever have before. It's been a great challenge for me. The thing is that ever since I lost Malaya I pretty much feel like I can do anything. It's amazing, the transformation that happened in me. I'm not the same person I was before all this happened. A few weeks before my sister's wedding I went mountain biking for the first time with the hubby and cried out of frustration and fell a couple of times. But I'll definitely do it again. :) Last week, I went climbing at a rock climbing gym. I was sore for a few days and I didn't make it up a few walls, but it was great. (One more thing I'll be doing this week, too). I've also been eating a lot better and exercising and have lost almost 20lbs in the past four months. I am about 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and still losing. I never knew losing weight was this easy! So, get this--one of the gifts that Malaya has given me is that I am no longer afraid of living life and trying new things. My daughter is so wonderful...

Back to the list of things I've done these past few months...My sister got married about a week ago on the 8th of August! It was a beautiful ceremony and reception and I am really happy for her and Nico. They're coming back from their honeymoon tomorrow then moving all the way to Minnesota this week for a few years. brrrr!!! Props to them because I'll never move anywhere colder than SoCal. I'm cool with warmer weather, but I will not do snow. Anyway...I had a pretty big part in the planning/coordinating of it so even though it was an awesome day I am SOOOO glad it's over. Meeting Nico's family and hanging out with the extended family was pretty cool, too. I love when the Abesamis side gets together and we just start singing praises to God. I cried with one of my aunts (who was a big help while it all was happening because she was a L & D nurse) who was visiting from out of state. She told me that Malaya will always have her place as the first great-grandchild in the Abesamis family. That touched me so deeply. I love people who are not afraid to say her name and see her as a real human being.

I just came from a baby shower today. It was the first I've been to since we lost Malaya. I was praying and deciding whether or not to go and felt like at peace with going. I was pretty much okay the whole time. It was co-ed and a big shower, so somehow the fact that there were a lot of people made me feel like I wouldn't really be missed if I had to slip out if I got too emotional. The only time my heart sank was when they said for all the moms to play this one game and I tried to continue my conversation with someone and pretend that I didn't hear it. One of the girls who was helping with the game came up to me and said, "Go play, Ate Faye" and I shook my head and said that it was okay. She said, "We want you to play." I didn't want to because it would have been too surreal a game and my heart wouldn't have been in it. I'm glad when people include me, but at the same time I kinda don't want the pity. It's weird like that. I don't understand it myself. I'm a mom who doesn't have her baby, so I don't know how to be treated.

Well...anyway, it's been a crazy couple of months. I know there are more things I've done, but those are the real biggies that have kept me preoccupied. I've certainly had moments when I was filled with much sorrow, but the joy has still been joy. It's that joy that I will not let anyone steal. I've had to remind myself on so many occasions "Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name." And still, I continue to tell people (because it is just so true) God has been faithful.

One last update! I give thanks to God because the vision trip that we were supposed to go on in January (before all the madness) is now going to happen at the end of September/October of this year! God DOES restore. This is going to even be more of an adventure because we don't have a leader. We're going on our own...just me and King. If anyone reads this blog, please pray for us as we do our planning. Also, who knows? This could be a babymoon trip, as well! hehe :)

So, there. You're now officially updated!

It's been five months...still inconsistent and "Where is God When it Hurts?"

Father's Day and the days following were heavy days. I knew it would be hard for King, but I didn't expect it to be hard for me...So it hit like a ton of bricks again. It killed me to hear the very few that said "Happy Fathers Day" to him. I'm so glad that they acknowledged them, but at the same time the "happy" wasn't happy...It was quite the opposite. My poor husband. He really misses Malaya. I really need to better anticipate possible difficulty during holidays and special dates.

Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.

I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.

It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.

I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.

It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.

It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.

What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.

Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.

words and a thousand words

Last night I was thinking that I'm not really opening up to people like I should...But then, again, who says that I always need to run to someone whenever I'm feeling down? Often, I cry alone and out to God. The next person I run to is King and usually after that I'm okay. If not, I will let someone know (usually through email or text) that I need their prayers. I'm praying that that's okay.

So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?

Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.

Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.

After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.

Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.

P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.

Things are kinda looking "UP"

It has been a LONG time since I've blogged...well, only two weeks, but it feels like it's been a while.

So, where am I at right now? I'm really not sure, but wherever I am it sure is an interesting place to be. hehe. In reality, I can't be certain because this process, I'm learning, is like a series of waves. They come and they go. Just like in a set, the waves can come in fairly frequently and then there's stillness for a while and then it'll come again. One day I'll feel totally fine and then the next, I'm down in the dumps. So, yes...it's quite interesting as I don't know what each day will bring. I was talking to a friend who very recently lost her mom. When I asked her how she was holding up, she told me that she hates the cliche, but for her she's taking it one day at a time. I'm SO there, but also I'm seeing and, now, truly believing in the joy that is in store.

It's not everyday that I cry now. In fact, it's not every week that I do. However, there are certain things that can trigger my emotions in an instant, like a newborn crying, or when I write a thank you email to someone who sent something thoughtful in the mail or in my inbox. It's just that when those kind of things DO happen, sometimes I'll be sad and sometimes I won't.

I think of my daughter often, but my brain isn't on overload like it used to be. My mind used to race, pretty much all day--constantly replaying scenarios of my birth, time with her at the hospital, and when I was pregnant. Those moments have lessened.

Don't get me wrong, though. When I'm feelin' it, I'm definitely feelin' it. I don't try to fight it anymore, though. One day I heard the song, "Bring the Rain" on my way to the gym and I completely fell apart. I was trying to look for a parking space asap because I couldn't see from my tears and I was hyperventilating. After I let myself cry for several minutes, I took several deep breaths, went in, then had my personal training session. I've always been a crier, but to cry over someone I lost for a period of months was something so foreign to me. Now, it's just become a part of my life.

I check myself sometimes and mentally make it a point to remind myself that just because I don't always cry or am not always sad it doesn't mean that I'm going to eventually forget my daughter. It's a silly thing to tell myself that, actually, because honestly, how could I ever forget her? I couldn't even if I tried. I lost a part of me. She was inside of me; Malaya was part of my own flesh and blood.

I watched "Up" today with King (who just got his bottom wisdom teeth taken out--poor guy). It was the best I've seen since "Slumdog Millionaire". So, the movie was 96 minutes long and I DIDN'T cry for a total of probably 25 minutes. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but there's a part that made me really connect with the movie and the characters (if you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the rest of this paragraph). So Carl and Elle get pregnant and she loses her baby, and evidently can't have anymore children. There is a short scene where I cried really hard because there is so much sadness in her eyes that reminded me of me and made me say out loud, "I know how you feel." Carl reminded me of King as he showed Elle that he loved her and made her smile again.

So, yeah. My point from the above movie, is that my whole worldview has changed. My daughter's death has transformed me for life. Now, I have a more "UP"ward hope of seeing her again in Heaven.

Establish the work of our hands

I was just reading Psalm 90 and these verses jumped out at me,

So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Return, O Lord! How long? And have compassion on Your servants. Oh, satisfy us early with your mercy, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.... Let Your work appear to Your servants, and Your glory to their children. And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands.

That pretty much sums up where I'm at right now. We're asking for His gladness as we move through mourning into a renewed joy. I'm SO jiving with the last two sentences especially as King and I look ahead to what He has for us in SE Asia. We're planning a trip in October for a few weeks. We know that He's called us to go, but we are at a place where He needs to show us what He is doing there and what He wants us to do there.

God, we commit to you the work of our hands and realize that you will be the one to establish it. We want to have your beauty upon us. Jesus, get the glory.

The Shepherd and the Lamb

In the Scottish hills as a shepherd strolled
In the eve with his ancient crook,
He found a lamb, that was young and chilled,
By the side of a purling brook.

And fearing the lamb might sicken and die,
Or, from his mother's side might roam,
He carried it with a tender care
To a fold in his highland home.

Mid the dreary night—o'er the craggy peaks—
Through the winds, and the storms, and cold,
The mother followed her captured lamb
To the door of the shepherd's fold.

One; we had a lamb by its mother's side—
It was artless and pure, and mild—
The dearest lamb in our dear flock,
Was the pale, little blue-eyed child.

But a shepherd came, when the sun grew low,
By a path that has long been trod,
And carried our lamb through the mists of night.
To his fold in the mount of God.

With tearful eye and a bleeding heart,
We must bear it and struggle on;
Must climb the mount by the shepherd's track,
To the fold where our lamb is gone.

--by David Barker

This reminded me of the painting my friend made for me:

My little, precious one.

family picture - i carry your heart with me

I just found this picture that goes so well with my favorite poem for Malaya that I posted on 3/20/09