The dress she'll never wear

I went to Target for the first time the other day and I was looking for something to wear because I'm in between sizes. The maternity clothes are a bit loose and the pre-maternity clothes are still too tight. As I was looking around I ended up walking through the maternity section. I stopped and asked myself, 'Am I sad?' and 'Am I ready to be here?'. I walked through it and did it. I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be.

I asked myself the same questions because I then found myself walking toward the baby section to get to another part of the store. 'Should I take the long way and walk around?'

I weighed it out in my head and thought, 'When am I ever going to be totally ready? I can do this. Help me, God.'

I thought of how at the GriefShare support group (yes, we're going to two support groups) they said that at some point we would have to start taking risks...steps of faith even in spite of the fear of pain. They talked about experiencing "firsts" where we would have our first time doing things. Like the first night alone without Malaya...that was painful. In time, there would be a type of layering as we do this activity over and over. They weren't saying it wasn't going to be difficult at times, it just wouldn't be the first time of going through it.

It has been 28 nights of sleeping without her since we came home from the hospital. The first few days I would cry myself to sleep. Now, sometimes I still cry, but it's not like the first night without her.

This would be the first time I would go through the baby section of a store without her in my tummy. Before, I would meticulously look through everything making mental notes of what I wanted to register for. That day, though, I just kept pushing my cart slowly through, longingly looking at the car seats from afar and passing by the little outfits knowing that she will never get to wear anything there. I almost got through the whole section until I came across this pretty dress:
It was the same type of material as the outfit that King picked out for Malaya that we put on her at the hospital. This one was cute and summery and the only one that caught my eye. I stood there for a few seconds touching the dress, thinking of my daughter and what she would look like with it on. I thought this would have been so cute on her for the summer, but felt a sadness because she will never get a chance to wear it. I wonder what she is wearing in Heaven...

Part of me wanted to buy the dress...for her...and then I thought, 'What am I going to do with it when I get home?' and then 'Maybe I'll have another daughter in the future and maybe she could wear this.' I decided against buying it. There was a heaviness in my chest as I let go of the dress and walked on to get my face wash.

So, anyway, I made it through. Then I went home and cried. I think this was a good day of grief.