back from a respite in SB

King and I came back from our trip to Santa Barbara today. We were given three nights at a the Old Yacht Club Inn: Bed and Breakfast. It was truly something that we needed. It was so good to be able to get away and be able to grieve together. We also needed to find ways to laugh together as well. We spent most of our time resting in our room or enjoying a meal together.

We talked much about Malaya and grieved over what could have been. We spoke about how she would have loved the ocean and how she would have made a great soccer player because she was such a talented kicker. We thought about her throughout the day and before we would go to sleep we would often hug and smell the last blanket she was in before we left the hospital. I wrote an email today to one of King's sisters telling her that it's hard because we are realizing that we love Malaya more than we ever knew we did when she was with us. This is such a sorrowful time for me that even in Santa Barbara the waves seemed to move with sadness.


There were several instances where I felt a deep sense of loss for my child. The first was when we were walking next to the beach. We passed by a playground where a mother and her child were playing. The son, who was probably two or three years old, was on a swing and the mom was pushing him. He was laughing so hard and at first it brought a smile to my face, but immediately I thought of my baby. I realized that I never heard her, nor will I ever, hear her laugh like that. I wept while looking at the ocean next to King.

Another time was at the SB Zoo. I'm not so sure why, but watching the animals was surprisingly comforting. Here I am with a cute Asian elephant. We took a train ride around the zoo (I don't recommend this because you don't get to see too many animals). We were in line for a little over ten minutes. Everyone in line had little children with them. All I could see was the face of my baby and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her at any of the children's ages. I cried on King's shoulder.

The third time I was profoundly sad was during dinner at a restaurant on Stearns Wharf. As we walked along the pier on our way to the restaurant it was dark and windy. I couldn't speak much because I just felt so alone. Alone, as in my family was only two and not three. King said, "It's okay." I said, "No, it's not okay." My tears kept falling as I ate my salad and King let me cry.


I thank God for the time I had with King. I could not imagine going through this without him. We are helping each other get through each day. What a gift he is to me...

When we got home we picked up an order from Edible Arrangements that King's work sent him. This was so kind of them. I have always wanted to get one of these. The fruit was beautiful and refreshing. It's just sad that this was given to us because we lost our little girl.

Her gardenia bonzai, Santa Barbara, love gifts, Bible, gebera daisy, and painting

Someone had a gardenia bonzai tree delivered to my parents house in memory of Malaya a few days ago. We've been enjoying the beauty and smell of the flowers. If this person would be so kind, would you email us and let us know that you were the one who sent it? You can email us at kingandfaye@gmail.com . We're not sure if you wanted to remain anonymous, but we wanted to be able to thank you properly. I don't really have a green thumb, but I will be sure to take total care of this lovely plant. God gives beauty.

We will be heading to Santa Barbara tomorrow. A dear, dear couple from church has always been close and just like family to King, me, and my own family. They have given us the gift of three nights at The Old Yacht Club Inn: a bed and breakfast one block away from the beach. King and I have been talking about going up there for months and since everything has been happening we have also felt a need to be able to just get away and relax for a while. This is truly answered prayer. God cares for us.

We weren't expecting that people were going to give us anything financially...we just wanted to show off our baby girl. We received some monetary gifts and for this we are definitely grateful. We will be using these love gifts for all the arrangements we will be making for Malaya. God provides.

Ate Joy came early to the service to help out with what she could and she gave us this Bible with Malaya's name engraved on it. Her presence and kind words helped me gather strength especially before the service. God's Word remains forever.

We have been getting a lot of flowers and they have been a joy to me whenever I see them. Here is one such plant, a gebera daisy, that our friend, Anna Liza, planted on behalf of King, Malaya, and me that she said was a reminder to pray for us. God answers prayer.

Here is a picture of a painting that our friend, Jessica, has painted on behalf of Malaya. I didn't cry much at Malaya's life commemoration service, but this touched me so much when she handed this to me. God is taking care of our baby girl.

We are very blessed to have so many people who love us. We appreciate you.