FLIGHT and FLOOD
It just so happened that the day we are flying in to the Philippines is the day that the floods come in. We were initially supposed to fly in at 11:35 am, but it was so bad that we didn't get picked up by King's dad at 11:15pm. As we got near NAIA (Ninoy Aquino International Airport) the captain went on the PA and told us that we were going to circle for a while before we landed due to bad weather. You know the feeling you get when you go on bad carnival rides that make your stomach go up and down? Imagine that for almost 45 minutes. I had my barf bag ready and tried to avoid looking and listening to the girl five seats down as she spit and puked into hers. Ugh...I don't even want to think about it anymore! hehe. Anyway, after a while we were diverted to Clark Air Force Base and stayed there on the tarmac for a few hours to wait for the weather in Manila to let up. We finally flew back and landed thinking this was the last of our troubles. Nope. We had no idea that there were such bad flooding that caused road blocks or no passage. My father-in-law and his driver were in the car waiting for us for over 12 hours. The devastation, as we watched on TV, was quite sad...Let's continue to pray for them.
SINGAPORE
Singapore is a wonderful place to visit! Besides our swanky, bare minimums hotel, we have been enjoying the sights and sounds of this diverse city. Some of the main ethnicities here are Chinese, Indian, and Malay. We came in on the last night of the Formula 1 race. It took a little while to figure out the public transport, but we've loved it ever since. The Singapore Zoo is, hands down, the best zoo I've ever been to. This is due to the fact that the animals are a lot closer and it feels like they are more in their natural environment.
After the Zoo, we went next door to the Night Safari. It's the only one of it's kind in the world. We went in a tram that took us around the park and we also walked around the exhibit trails all the while looking at mostly nocturnal animals. Awesome!
Now we're headed for Padang!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Woohoooooo!
We're leaving tonight at 1:00am! I haven't felt this excited in who knows how long! I let out a big, "Wooohoooo!" in my car today. I'm ready for the journey with my journal, books, ipod, and of course...my eye mask and ear plugs. :)
Allow us to share a huge blessing with you. With the Lord's leading we did not raise funds nor did we ask anyone for money for this trip. At first we weren't sure how we were going to be able to make ends meet--especially since I have taken a break from working to be able to rest, grieve, and heal. So, we just had to wait on God and say, 'You know what we need. Would You please provide for us?'
And He, in His tender mercy, has. These last two weeks we've seen God meeting our needs. We have had to continue to pay our bills and have also had to book and reschedule flights we were supposed to take earlier this year. So, some people have graciously given to us and our bills have been able to be paid. What has been coming in is pretty much the exact amounts that we need. Amazing! I told King the other day, "Look, the cost of rescheduling and booking flights has just been covered!" (I even got a random check in the mail for $17 from a law suit of a job agency and I had no idea I'd be a recipient. hehe!)
Over these last months I've been confused about why we lost our daughter and out of that confusion, some doubts in His love for me arose. I wondered if He cared for me...I mean, I knew He did in a large scale sense, but for me, personally and intimately. Him providing for us has truly softened my heart toward Him. My life is in His hands and He HASN'T forgotten us. :)
Thank you to those of you who have given financially to us. Know that your giving is answered prayer. He does hear and answer. And this has just fueled the flame in our hearts of knowing that He loves us and is faithful.
To those of you who have committed to praying for us, be blessed as we update you (when there is internet access!) on what is happening through this blog.
Rejoice and praise God with us, friends. This trip has been a desire of our hearts and it's finally here. And that calls for another, "Wooooohooooo!!!" :)
Allow us to share a huge blessing with you. With the Lord's leading we did not raise funds nor did we ask anyone for money for this trip. At first we weren't sure how we were going to be able to make ends meet--especially since I have taken a break from working to be able to rest, grieve, and heal. So, we just had to wait on God and say, 'You know what we need. Would You please provide for us?'
And He, in His tender mercy, has. These last two weeks we've seen God meeting our needs. We have had to continue to pay our bills and have also had to book and reschedule flights we were supposed to take earlier this year. So, some people have graciously given to us and our bills have been able to be paid. What has been coming in is pretty much the exact amounts that we need. Amazing! I told King the other day, "Look, the cost of rescheduling and booking flights has just been covered!" (I even got a random check in the mail for $17 from a law suit of a job agency and I had no idea I'd be a recipient. hehe!)
Over these last months I've been confused about why we lost our daughter and out of that confusion, some doubts in His love for me arose. I wondered if He cared for me...I mean, I knew He did in a large scale sense, but for me, personally and intimately. Him providing for us has truly softened my heart toward Him. My life is in His hands and He HASN'T forgotten us. :)
Thank you to those of you who have given financially to us. Know that your giving is answered prayer. He does hear and answer. And this has just fueled the flame in our hearts of knowing that He loves us and is faithful.
To those of you who have committed to praying for us, be blessed as we update you (when there is internet access!) on what is happening through this blog.
Rejoice and praise God with us, friends. This trip has been a desire of our hearts and it's finally here. And that calls for another, "Wooooohooooo!!!" :)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
How you can pray for us
We pray that God would open the limits of all of our hearts (limits that may cause us to live our lives for our own gain) for the purpose of entering into the freedom of loving people on the other side of the earth because He is worthy of our worship. Will you join us in prayer? If you so choose, you can print out this page and put it in a place where it will help you remember to pray for us.
How you can pray
Before we leave (Sept 18 to Sept 25)
- Preparation: Pray this week that we would take time out to prepare our hearts and minds to be able to listen to God while we are in country.
As we travel (Thurs, Sept 24 to Tues, Sept 29)
- In Transit: We will be going through four different airports before we reach our destination! Pray that all our baggage arrives and that none of our flights get canceled.
In Country (Tues, Sept 29 to Thurs, Oct 8)
- Open Doors: Pray that we would find favor with local officials as we meet with them to discuss possible ways that we could help in that specific area.
- His Direction: Pray that when we are there that we would be sensitive to God’s guidance and walk where He leads.
- His Glory: Pray that whoever we meet and wherever we go that God would be glorified and that people would be drawn to Him.
- Our Fears: Please pray that our fears of not knowing the language, the culture, the area, and of our safety would be dispelled as we trust in Him.
- Our hearts: Pray that God would enlarge our hearts to start to love the people in that area.
After our trip (Oct 8 and beyond)
- Clarity, Wisdom, Strength: Pray afterward, that God would make things more clear in terms of the next step He wants us to take and that we would follow accordingly.
- Your involvement: Pray as to the way He might have you be involved whenever our plans are more concrete. That could entail being committed to praying for us, supporting us financially, or even joining us!
Thank you in advance for the time that you may be spending interceding to God on our behalf. We’ll let you know how everything goes by the end of October.
Until then, check our blog for updates. http://kingandfaye.blogspot.com
With much hope, King and Faye Sacramento
Email letter sent out to friends and family
Here's a copy of the email I just sent out in case you didn't get it via email:
Dear Friends and Family,
Hello! We pray that this letter finds you in a place in your lives where you are very much aware and living in the fact that you are loved by our wonderful God.
The last time you may have heard from us was in the midst of one of the worst, and most sorrowful situations of our lives. These last nine months have been heart wrenching as we had to say goodbye to our baby daughter Malaya before we even had a chance to say hello. We have faced these last few months realizing that the rest of our time on this earth will be lived without her.
Our hearts have broken and so many times the air around us has been filled with weeping. Oh, but this has not caused us to lose our hope in God. We’ve been witnesses of His great faithfulness. It is true what the Psalmist penned. This year we have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and yet…have felt no evil. And it is really because God has been with us. He continues to be near us and hold us close as we miss our daughter. We’re comforted knowing that every day is one day closer to being with her in Heaven.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support and love. Your prayers, emails, cards, gifts, and presence have shown your compassion and we will remember that always.
We are very much aware that your prayers and partnership will also help get us through this next season of our lives. We are writing you because we believe that God is redeeming something that we felt like we lost in January. We will finally be flying across the world to go on the vision trip that we were supposed to take earlier this year. We will be in a restricted access country from September 29 to October 8 of this year. (That’s just a little over a week away!)
The last time we were going to leave we were going to join someone who had lived there for over a decade. This time, however, we will be going on our own. (Don’t worry, we DO have contacts within the country who will be helping us.) We are planning on discussing possibilities in the area that may help boost the local economy with some local government officials. We are wanting to let God do His thing and open doors if He so chooses.
As the days get closer we are more and more excited to be able to see what God is already doing and finding out how He might have us join Him there. After having not gone on our initial trip this past January, God has restored this vision with a renewed passion for His glory and love to be spread among these people. Again, we are seeing that God doesn’t show us the whole path of our future, but is showing us just the next step in our journey.
Oh, friends. This is a difficult, complicated world we all live in. We are messy, imperfect people who are in need of such grace for our souls. We, as a couple, are convinced that God is truth and He is worthy of our worship. His love for us is so great. So amazing…
Dear Friends and Family,
Hello! We pray that this letter finds you in a place in your lives where you are very much aware and living in the fact that you are loved by our wonderful God.
The last time you may have heard from us was in the midst of one of the worst, and most sorrowful situations of our lives. These last nine months have been heart wrenching as we had to say goodbye to our baby daughter Malaya before we even had a chance to say hello. We have faced these last few months realizing that the rest of our time on this earth will be lived without her.
Our hearts have broken and so many times the air around us has been filled with weeping. Oh, but this has not caused us to lose our hope in God. We’ve been witnesses of His great faithfulness. It is true what the Psalmist penned. This year we have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and yet…have felt no evil. And it is really because God has been with us. He continues to be near us and hold us close as we miss our daughter. We’re comforted knowing that every day is one day closer to being with her in Heaven.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support and love. Your prayers, emails, cards, gifts, and presence have shown your compassion and we will remember that always.
We are very much aware that your prayers and partnership will also help get us through this next season of our lives. We are writing you because we believe that God is redeeming something that we felt like we lost in January. We will finally be flying across the world to go on the vision trip that we were supposed to take earlier this year. We will be in a restricted access country from September 29 to October 8 of this year. (That’s just a little over a week away!)
The last time we were going to leave we were going to join someone who had lived there for over a decade. This time, however, we will be going on our own. (Don’t worry, we DO have contacts within the country who will be helping us.) We are planning on discussing possibilities in the area that may help boost the local economy with some local government officials. We are wanting to let God do His thing and open doors if He so chooses.
As the days get closer we are more and more excited to be able to see what God is already doing and finding out how He might have us join Him there. After having not gone on our initial trip this past January, God has restored this vision with a renewed passion for His glory and love to be spread among these people. Again, we are seeing that God doesn’t show us the whole path of our future, but is showing us just the next step in our journey.
Oh, friends. This is a difficult, complicated world we all live in. We are messy, imperfect people who are in need of such grace for our souls. We, as a couple, are convinced that God is truth and He is worthy of our worship. His love for us is so great. So amazing…
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
Life has been busy these last couple of months. Let's see, what happened, again? hehe... Me and my bad memory!
We had our 3rd year anniversary on July 16. We went kayaking at Back Bay (Newport Beach) and King took me to the Palm Terrace restaurant in the Island Hotel. VERY fun! We talked about our relationship and the past year and I asked him how it was for him. He answered, "It was one of the worst years I've ever had." And then he looked at me and we had to laugh because it was SO true, yet it wasn't the most feel good answer. (We're used to that kinda weird irony in our conversations already.) I told him that I agreed. "But," he continued, "I would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but you." I thought that was one of the most special things he's ever said to me.
Another things is that we are both training for the Disney Half Marathon on September 6 (Yikes! 3 weeks away!) and I have run farther and more than I ever have before. It's been a great challenge for me. The thing is that ever since I lost Malaya I pretty much feel like I can do anything. It's amazing, the transformation that happened in me. I'm not the same person I was before all this happened. A few weeks before my sister's wedding I went mountain biking for the first time with the hubby and cried out of frustration and fell a couple of times. But I'll definitely do it again. :) Last week, I went climbing at a rock climbing gym. I was sore for a few days and I didn't make it up a few walls, but it was great. (One more thing I'll be doing this week, too). I've also been eating a lot better and exercising and have lost almost 20lbs in the past four months. I am about 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and still losing. I never knew losing weight was this easy! So, get this--one of the gifts that Malaya has given me is that I am no longer afraid of living life and trying new things. My daughter is so wonderful...
Back to the list of things I've done these past few months...My sister got married about a week ago on the 8th of August! It was a beautiful ceremony and reception and I am really happy for her and Nico. They're coming back from their honeymoon tomorrow then moving all the way to Minnesota this week for a few years. brrrr!!! Props to them because I'll never move anywhere colder than SoCal. I'm cool with warmer weather, but I will not do snow. Anyway...I had a pretty big part in the planning/coordinating of it so even though it was an awesome day I am SOOOO glad it's over. Meeting Nico's family and hanging out with the extended family was pretty cool, too. I love when the Abesamis side gets together and we just start singing praises to God. I cried with one of my aunts (who was a big help while it all was happening because she was a L & D nurse) who was visiting from out of state. She told me that Malaya will always have her place as the first great-grandchild in the Abesamis family. That touched me so deeply. I love people who are not afraid to say her name and see her as a real human being.
I just came from a baby shower today. It was the first I've been to since we lost Malaya. I was praying and deciding whether or not to go and felt like at peace with going. I was pretty much okay the whole time. It was co-ed and a big shower, so somehow the fact that there were a lot of people made me feel like I wouldn't really be missed if I had to slip out if I got too emotional. The only time my heart sank was when they said for all the moms to play this one game and I tried to continue my conversation with someone and pretend that I didn't hear it. One of the girls who was helping with the game came up to me and said, "Go play, Ate Faye" and I shook my head and said that it was okay. She said, "We want you to play." I didn't want to because it would have been too surreal a game and my heart wouldn't have been in it. I'm glad when people include me, but at the same time I kinda don't want the pity. It's weird like that. I don't understand it myself. I'm a mom who doesn't have her baby, so I don't know how to be treated.
Well...anyway, it's been a crazy couple of months. I know there are more things I've done, but those are the real biggies that have kept me preoccupied. I've certainly had moments when I was filled with much sorrow, but the joy has still been joy. It's that joy that I will not let anyone steal. I've had to remind myself on so many occasions "Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name." And still, I continue to tell people (because it is just so true) God has been faithful.
One last update! I give thanks to God because the vision trip that we were supposed to go on in January (before all the madness) is now going to happen at the end of September/October of this year! God DOES restore. This is going to even be more of an adventure because we don't have a leader. We're going on our own...just me and King. If anyone reads this blog, please pray for us as we do our planning. Also, who knows? This could be a babymoon trip, as well! hehe :)
So, there. You're now officially updated!
We had our 3rd year anniversary on July 16. We went kayaking at Back Bay (Newport Beach) and King took me to the Palm Terrace restaurant in the Island Hotel. VERY fun! We talked about our relationship and the past year and I asked him how it was for him. He answered, "It was one of the worst years I've ever had." And then he looked at me and we had to laugh because it was SO true, yet it wasn't the most feel good answer. (We're used to that kinda weird irony in our conversations already.) I told him that I agreed. "But," he continued, "I would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but you." I thought that was one of the most special things he's ever said to me.
Another things is that we are both training for the Disney Half Marathon on September 6 (Yikes! 3 weeks away!) and I have run farther and more than I ever have before. It's been a great challenge for me. The thing is that ever since I lost Malaya I pretty much feel like I can do anything. It's amazing, the transformation that happened in me. I'm not the same person I was before all this happened. A few weeks before my sister's wedding I went mountain biking for the first time with the hubby and cried out of frustration and fell a couple of times. But I'll definitely do it again. :) Last week, I went climbing at a rock climbing gym. I was sore for a few days and I didn't make it up a few walls, but it was great. (One more thing I'll be doing this week, too). I've also been eating a lot better and exercising and have lost almost 20lbs in the past four months. I am about 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and still losing. I never knew losing weight was this easy! So, get this--one of the gifts that Malaya has given me is that I am no longer afraid of living life and trying new things. My daughter is so wonderful...
Back to the list of things I've done these past few months...My sister got married about a week ago on the 8th of August! It was a beautiful ceremony and reception and I am really happy for her and Nico. They're coming back from their honeymoon tomorrow then moving all the way to Minnesota this week for a few years. brrrr!!! Props to them because I'll never move anywhere colder than SoCal. I'm cool with warmer weather, but I will not do snow. Anyway...I had a pretty big part in the planning/coordinating of it so even though it was an awesome day I am SOOOO glad it's over. Meeting Nico's family and hanging out with the extended family was pretty cool, too. I love when the Abesamis side gets together and we just start singing praises to God. I cried with one of my aunts (who was a big help while it all was happening because she was a L & D nurse) who was visiting from out of state. She told me that Malaya will always have her place as the first great-grandchild in the Abesamis family. That touched me so deeply. I love people who are not afraid to say her name and see her as a real human being.
I just came from a baby shower today. It was the first I've been to since we lost Malaya. I was praying and deciding whether or not to go and felt like at peace with going. I was pretty much okay the whole time. It was co-ed and a big shower, so somehow the fact that there were a lot of people made me feel like I wouldn't really be missed if I had to slip out if I got too emotional. The only time my heart sank was when they said for all the moms to play this one game and I tried to continue my conversation with someone and pretend that I didn't hear it. One of the girls who was helping with the game came up to me and said, "Go play, Ate Faye" and I shook my head and said that it was okay. She said, "We want you to play." I didn't want to because it would have been too surreal a game and my heart wouldn't have been in it. I'm glad when people include me, but at the same time I kinda don't want the pity. It's weird like that. I don't understand it myself. I'm a mom who doesn't have her baby, so I don't know how to be treated.
Well...anyway, it's been a crazy couple of months. I know there are more things I've done, but those are the real biggies that have kept me preoccupied. I've certainly had moments when I was filled with much sorrow, but the joy has still been joy. It's that joy that I will not let anyone steal. I've had to remind myself on so many occasions "Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name." And still, I continue to tell people (because it is just so true) God has been faithful.
One last update! I give thanks to God because the vision trip that we were supposed to go on in January (before all the madness) is now going to happen at the end of September/October of this year! God DOES restore. This is going to even be more of an adventure because we don't have a leader. We're going on our own...just me and King. If anyone reads this blog, please pray for us as we do our planning. Also, who knows? This could be a babymoon trip, as well! hehe :)
So, there. You're now officially updated!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It's been five months...still inconsistent and "Where is God When it Hurts?"
Father's Day and the days following were heavy days. I knew it would be hard for King, but I didn't expect it to be hard for me...So it hit like a ton of bricks again. It killed me to hear the very few that said "Happy Fathers Day" to him. I'm so glad that they acknowledged them, but at the same time the "happy" wasn't happy...It was quite the opposite. My poor husband. He really misses Malaya. I really need to better anticipate possible difficulty during holidays and special dates.
Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.
I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.
It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.
I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.
It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.
It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.
What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.
Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.
Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.
I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.
It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.
I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.
It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.
It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.
What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.
Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.
Friday, June 19, 2009
words and a thousand words
Last night I was thinking that I'm not really opening up to people like I should...But then, again, who says that I always need to run to someone whenever I'm feeling down? Often, I cry alone and out to God. The next person I run to is King and usually after that I'm okay. If not, I will let someone know (usually through email or text) that I need their prayers. I'm praying that that's okay.
So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?
Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.
Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.
After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.
Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.
P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.
So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?
Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.
Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.
After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.
Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.
P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.
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