Dear Family and Friends,
We wanted to let you know that tomorrow we will be inducing. Our doctor told us that since Malaya's brain was not formed properly, her brain most probably wouldn't be able to function in a way that would produce the hormone which would start natural contractions. We have been in prayer, seeking God for His will in this matter and we have peace about our decision. We will be at the hospital starting at 8am and the doctor said that we could be there up to 36 hours. Afterward, we will be at Faye's parents house for a few days to rest and recover.
We ask for your constant prayers during the next few days and weeks. Thank you for the abundant love that we have had the blessing of receiving from your heartfelt encouragement and support. We have witnessed such tremendous care for us and for our dear, sweet, Malaya.... She will be sorely missed.....
When we are able to we will update you...probably through our blog. Until then, please know that we are being held up by the strong arms of God and we are praying that we would never lose sight of the fact that He will never let us go.Pray for us...
With much love,
King, Faye, and Malaya
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Doc appt-Wednesday and more thoughts
We are transferring our care from our midwife to an OB at Long Beach Memorial Hospital. Thankfully, this OB is the same perinatologist that gave us the news so I feel like he is fully competent to be able to handle our situation. When he told us about our baby, he seemed very caring, compassionate, and was someone that could be trusted in delivering our baby. Actually, it is wonderful because we found out that our good friends, Macky, JoAnn, and Vlad used to work with his wife and actually know him personally. So, our appointment is going to be this Wednesday at 11:15am. This isn't going to be an induction, but will be the time when we will be asking a lot of questions and talking about the next step. (Just keep checking our blog for updates)
I'm glad we found this doctor, but it is yet another reminder of how this has changed our lives when we weren't really asking for our lives to be changed. We were planning to have either a home birth or a birthing center birth and it was supposed to be all natural. No pitocin or epidurals. We absolutely loved the care and people at South Coast Midwifery and they have been more than supportive when they found out as well. Many of our plans and expectations went out the window. We have learned much about the following verses:
Proverbs 16:9
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 19:21
21 Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
I believe that there is a purpose (even purposes) for all that has happened to us. I'm holding onto this hope even though I might not be able to see all the reasons while on this earth. God isn't a random God who decides to strike people down because He's just plain angry. I have been reading the book of Job and am comforted to know that there is a backstory to all of the calamities that Job went through--a dialogue set in Heaven, which Job, neither his wife, nor his "friends" were privy to. We've been trying to understand why this has happened, but will never truly get it. I think it'll be only till I come Home will it all make sense. Until then, I refuse to stop trusting in God's goodness and love. That's the only real thing I know right now.
Pastor Vince also wisely reminded us that life is a series of receiving and letting go. When joyful times come, we must learn to relish them for we know they will last but only for a moment. When the storms come, we must learn to accept them for what they are, forgive life, and learn to let go.
Malaya has been kicking so much lately and I am treasuring each kick and movement and each second spent with her. Yet, I'm also allowing myself to start to say goodbye. I've begun writing in a journal, per Pastor Vince's advice, and addressing the entries to Malaya. Sometimes I can barely see what I am writing because of all the tears that are coming, but it has been so freeing to let her know all my thoughts, feelings, and even the unmet expectations I have. I just don't want to repress anything. I have set in my heart that I am not going to fear what lies ahead for me, King or Malaya. God has given me the courage and strength to be able to begin to face reality.
Ecclesiastes 3, the "a time for everything" chapter, has helped put things in perspective. I cling onto the first part of 3:11 - "He has made everything beautiful in its time." In time, I want to be able to behold this beauty.
I'm glad we found this doctor, but it is yet another reminder of how this has changed our lives when we weren't really asking for our lives to be changed. We were planning to have either a home birth or a birthing center birth and it was supposed to be all natural. No pitocin or epidurals. We absolutely loved the care and people at South Coast Midwifery and they have been more than supportive when they found out as well. Many of our plans and expectations went out the window. We have learned much about the following verses:
Proverbs 16:9
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Proverbs 19:21
21 Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
I believe that there is a purpose (even purposes) for all that has happened to us. I'm holding onto this hope even though I might not be able to see all the reasons while on this earth. God isn't a random God who decides to strike people down because He's just plain angry. I have been reading the book of Job and am comforted to know that there is a backstory to all of the calamities that Job went through--a dialogue set in Heaven, which Job, neither his wife, nor his "friends" were privy to. We've been trying to understand why this has happened, but will never truly get it. I think it'll be only till I come Home will it all make sense. Until then, I refuse to stop trusting in God's goodness and love. That's the only real thing I know right now.
Pastor Vince also wisely reminded us that life is a series of receiving and letting go. When joyful times come, we must learn to relish them for we know they will last but only for a moment. When the storms come, we must learn to accept them for what they are, forgive life, and learn to let go.
Malaya has been kicking so much lately and I am treasuring each kick and movement and each second spent with her. Yet, I'm also allowing myself to start to say goodbye. I've begun writing in a journal, per Pastor Vince's advice, and addressing the entries to Malaya. Sometimes I can barely see what I am writing because of all the tears that are coming, but it has been so freeing to let her know all my thoughts, feelings, and even the unmet expectations I have. I just don't want to repress anything. I have set in my heart that I am not going to fear what lies ahead for me, King or Malaya. God has given me the courage and strength to be able to begin to face reality.
Ecclesiastes 3, the "a time for everything" chapter, has helped put things in perspective. I cling onto the first part of 3:11 - "He has made everything beautiful in its time." In time, I want to be able to behold this beauty.
Friday, January 16, 2009
when the tears fall
There are some songs that are really speaking to King and me right now. This is one that I've been singing out loud or in my heart over the last few days. I have always liked the honesty of this song, but never have I really had to understand or need it until now.
Here's a vid from youtube:
The lyrics:
When The Tears Fall (I've Had Questions)
Tim Hughes
I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds I'll call You Healer
When silence falls You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender forever more
And I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord, are You there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus, praise You
Here's a vid from youtube:
The lyrics:
When The Tears Fall (I've Had Questions)
Tim Hughes
©2003 Thankyou Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing)
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds I'll call You Healer
When silence falls You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender forever more
And I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord, are You there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus, praise You
Friday, January 9, 2009
what we are going through
I have attempted several times over the last few days to start this new post and once I start thinking of what to write, my eyes well up with tears and the laptop screen gets really blurry.
Our lives have been just that lately: blurry.
Trying to make sense of our situation has left our minds in a whirlwind sometimes. I really don't ever think this is going to make sense.We are just plain tired.
Simply exhausted. It seems that it doesn't matter how much sleep we get, we don't ever feel satisfied when we wake up or take naps.
Our hearts hurt.
Even when we read the encouraging emails and texts that people write to us we are uplifted yet cry at each one. We are made aware with each flower sent, gift opened, card read, food brought, and hug given that we are the ones in need. We are the ones that are going through this dark time. Tears fall freely down our cheeks in this household.
In addition to all of this, we are both sick.
Sometimes I hear King waking up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit. The germs have finally gotten the best of me last night. With all that's been happening my immune system has become susceptible to sickness.
We loathe both options of the decision we are making.
It seems that there is no loophole out of the inevitable conclusion of our beautiful daughter's death. Either way, she will be taken from us without us even getting a chance to become fully acquainted. And this four letter word, pain, sums up what is unavoidable.
YET...
Have we been forsaken?
We believe with all our hearts the answer is no.
We are loved.
We have beheld with our eyes the beauty of our God through the love that is being constantly poured out around us. People like you who are reading this blog have cared enough to show and express your care. King's sister and brother-in-law flew out from New Mexico this weekend just to be with us. Some of our friends and family have brought us food, cried with us on our shoulders, and have listened as we have disclosed what we have been feeling...even if this is just with the words that tears speak.
God's grace has been sufficient.
I don't know how we have gotten through these past few days save for His grace that He has given to us...and that has been abundant. Somehow, we are still sometimes able to find ourselves sincerely laughing at a joke. The pain is real, but the peace is also. We grieve, but we haven't lost our hope...our hope isn't placed in the falsity that all will be happy. Instead, our hope is established in Christ. He has always and will always be faithful and true to us.
We have seen God's name being glorified.
One woman who is a friend of a friend who lost her first baby in a similar way has been emailing us and she said:
My heart grieves for your situation. It is dark and terrible and awful, but praise Jesus, God is bigger than the most terrible things. One way or another, there will be light on the other side of this. And Jesus' glory will shine through the whole time.
This is so true. We have already seen it. People who have told me they never pray, are crying out to God on our behalf. We have seen in action those who "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" and this has shown us God's compassion in the hearts of people...even total strangers. Others who have gone through losing a baby at birth have shared with us their experiences. Their situations have shown that what they went through was not in vain.
Our hearts are breaking. This is a very true statement. Nonetheless, there is the wonderfully strange irony of the Father who somehow allowed this to happen and still is the only One who can truly comfort and heal us.
We are now just starting to grasp and understand the hope of Heaven for our daughter, which will probably be in another post...
We continue to covet your prayers and encouragement as we have only just begun this difficult journey. Thank you, dear family and friends, from the bottom of our hearts.
Simply exhausted. It seems that it doesn't matter how much sleep we get, we don't ever feel satisfied when we wake up or take naps.
Our hearts hurt.
Even when we read the encouraging emails and texts that people write to us we are uplifted yet cry at each one. We are made aware with each flower sent, gift opened, card read, food brought, and hug given that we are the ones in need. We are the ones that are going through this dark time. Tears fall freely down our cheeks in this household.
In addition to all of this, we are both sick.
Sometimes I hear King waking up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit. The germs have finally gotten the best of me last night. With all that's been happening my immune system has become susceptible to sickness.
We loathe both options of the decision we are making.
It seems that there is no loophole out of the inevitable conclusion of our beautiful daughter's death. Either way, she will be taken from us without us even getting a chance to become fully acquainted. And this four letter word, pain, sums up what is unavoidable.
YET...
Have we been forsaken?
We believe with all our hearts the answer is no.
We are loved.
We have beheld with our eyes the beauty of our God through the love that is being constantly poured out around us. People like you who are reading this blog have cared enough to show and express your care. King's sister and brother-in-law flew out from New Mexico this weekend just to be with us. Some of our friends and family have brought us food, cried with us on our shoulders, and have listened as we have disclosed what we have been feeling...even if this is just with the words that tears speak.
God's grace has been sufficient.
I don't know how we have gotten through these past few days save for His grace that He has given to us...and that has been abundant. Somehow, we are still sometimes able to find ourselves sincerely laughing at a joke. The pain is real, but the peace is also. We grieve, but we haven't lost our hope...our hope isn't placed in the falsity that all will be happy. Instead, our hope is established in Christ. He has always and will always be faithful and true to us.
We have seen God's name being glorified.
One woman who is a friend of a friend who lost her first baby in a similar way has been emailing us and she said:
My heart grieves for your situation. It is dark and terrible and awful, but praise Jesus, God is bigger than the most terrible things. One way or another, there will be light on the other side of this. And Jesus' glory will shine through the whole time.
This is so true. We have already seen it. People who have told me they never pray, are crying out to God on our behalf. We have seen in action those who "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" and this has shown us God's compassion in the hearts of people...even total strangers. Others who have gone through losing a baby at birth have shared with us their experiences. Their situations have shown that what they went through was not in vain.
Our hearts are breaking. This is a very true statement. Nonetheless, there is the wonderfully strange irony of the Father who somehow allowed this to happen and still is the only One who can truly comfort and heal us.
We are now just starting to grasp and understand the hope of Heaven for our daughter, which will probably be in another post...
We continue to covet your prayers and encouragement as we have only just begun this difficult journey. Thank you, dear family and friends, from the bottom of our hearts.
email update
Our Dearest Friends,
It is with very sad hearts with which we are informing you of the prognosis we received today.
We came back from the perinatologist and the diagnosis was shocking. The doctor performed the ultrasound and he told us that there are definite, rare abnormalities in the baby. He explained that the baby had not formed the entire back of the skull and has a severely malformed face. This is the reason for the large mass behind the baby's head...there is no bone of the skull, so the mass is actually part of the baby's brain outside in the amniotic fluid. In addition, the baby's heart is partially inside the chest and partially outside of the chest. He told us that this is extremely rare that both the head and the heart had these kinds of abnormalities. Also, he stated that there is no chance for the baby to live outside of utero and the baby will not survive birth.
This now leaves us with the sad decision of what to do next. We have two options: wait to full term to deliver or decide to induce and deliver earlier.
Because of all of this, we have decided that will be postponing our vision trip to Indonesia. We believe that because of the situation it wouldn't be very wise to travel overseas as the baby could pass away anytime in utero.
We are hurting and don't understand why this has happened to us, but are comforted to know that the Lord is with us. He was definitely present as some wonderful family and friends gathered around us yesterday during and after the news and cried and prayed with us.
We have already grown to love and bond with our baby and the all the anticipation and hopes of having and raising our first child have been crushed. Nevertheless, we are really clinging on to the hope that God hasn't forsaken us and loves us and the baby more than we could even know. He is the one who is embracing us at this time.
We decided early on in our pregnancy not to find out the gender of the baby. Yesterday, though, we asked the doctor and found out that the baby is a girl. That was perfect news because we really didn't have a name for a boy and that's what we thought we might be having. So, her name is Malaya Charis. Malaya is Tagalog for "free"/"freedom" and Charis is Greek for "grace"... Free Grace. And we believe that she is beautiful and very special despite what our earthly eyes may show us.
We decided early on in our pregnancy not to find out the gender of the baby. Yesterday, though, we asked the doctor and found out that the baby is a girl. That was perfect news because we really didn't have a name for a boy and that's what we thought we might be having. So, her name is Malaya Charis. Malaya is Tagalog for "free"/"freedom" and Charis is Greek for "grace"... Free Grace. And we believe that she is beautiful and very special despite what our earthly eyes may show us.
We are so thankful to all of you who have been praying for us and encouraging us by your emails, texts, and phone messages. Some of you don't even know us, but have received this email from a friend and you have shown so much care through your prayers...we are grateful. We may not be answering all your emails and phone calls because we are grieving and don't always feel like talking about it. Please know, however, that your support and love are a source of strength and encouragement to us and we are very thankful for you taking the time to let us know how much you care. This is and will be a very difficult, trying time and we know that in this process of grief we will be experiencing a wide array of emotions. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayers and support.
As things progress, we will keep you updated. We're not sure about the next time we will send out a mass email. We will be updating our blog that we recently started, so you can check that periodically.
http://kingandfaye.blogspot.
You are very special to us. Thank you all.
Wrapped up in His arms,
King, Faye, and Malaya Charis Sacramento
prayer letter sent out January 5th
Dear friends and partners in prayer,
Hello and Happy 2009!
We were going to send out a prayer letter today to give you details for you to be able to pray for us on our upcoming trip to Indonesia on Saturday. Our plans are to leave this Saturday (January 10) and be in Indonesia for two weeks and then a few days in Singapore until we come back on the 31st. We both have been waiting for years to visit this country, to be able to see how the Lord might have us be a part of what He is already doing in the hearts of the people there. Within the next year or so, we plan to move there for a few years.
Something, however, has come up today that may be a cause for Faye not to go on the trip.
Many of you may know that we are expecting our first child in early April. We are definitely excited! Right now, Faye's is healthy and the baby is kicking and doing lots of flips in her tummy.
We have been doing everything to prepare to leave and today we had an appointment with our midwife. We went over the results of our last ultrasound. She said that pretty much everything looked normal, but there is one part that concerned us. Because the baby kept moving during the ultrasound, the technician wasn't able to get the best pictures of the baby's head. As a result, the radiologist said in the report that he wanted more testing done because there may be some sort of large abnormality/growth in the back of the baby's head or neck.
Our midwife told us that everything could be perfectly fine, but she ordered a more detailed ultrasound of the baby's head to rule this out. If, however, they do find some abnormality there is a chance that Faye might not be able to go on the trip. This, she said, is because there is a higher chance for pre-term labor in babies with abnormalities and also because they might want to run more tests to see exactly what might be wrong with the baby. The first available appointment is on Thursday…and we are supposed to leave on Saturday morning. The good thing is that we would know right then and there at the appointment from the perinatologist whether she can stay or go.
This is laying heavy on Faye's heart right now and she is fighting discouragement and worry. We both really want our baby to be healthy and also want to have all of us go on the trip. For the past few days also, King has been coming down with a cold. We honestly don't know how he got sick. We are seeing these as part of a spiritual battle to damper our spirits and lose hope.
Keep us in prayer and pass this on to those whom you know will be praying for us. We are convinced that there is nothing that is impossible with God and if there is something wrong with the baby, He is more than able to heal before our appointment on Thursday morning.
We will keep you posted with updates as soon as we find out more information.
Trusting that God cares and is able,
Faye and King
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