Gempa "earthquake" part 2

My friend just reminded me that I have not written part two of the earthquake story yet. So sorry to keep you hanging!

Okay, so like I was saying...the day after the gempa (Indonesian word meaning "earthquake" pronounced "guhm-pah") was interesting as we were able to watch people who were openly grieving about their city and their family and friends who they were either unsure of their whereabouts or were sure that they were underneath the rubble...It was difficult to totally relate and empathize as we have never lost anyone close to us in that manner. We had just gotten a taste of their culture from being there one day. We did not know these people, and yet the deep cries of sorrow from within we were all too familiar with. The anguish written all over their faces that might not have been able to see hope during those moments were saddening. Grown men were talking to the news reporters and tears streamed down their face as they attempted to recount what had happened and their losses. The news was in Bahasa Indonesian so we had NO idea what they were saying, but our hearts did.

We also got goosebumps when we were watching the news that said that the Ambacang Hotel was destroyed, with 192 guests in addition to the staff working there. This is because when we were at home we were choosing between staying there and a homestay (a house/hostel). The Ambacang was a bit pricier than the homestay, but it had wi-fi in the lobby...It was a real toss up, but the week before we left we just decided to choose the less expensive one to save money. Had we stayed there and had we stayed one more day in the city, chances are we probably would have been in our hotel room when the earthquake hit. Thinking of it now just makes me shake my head in wonder of how God saved/spared us. Amazing...

So, anyway, we continued to check our cell phone and tried to text and call out, but it took forever to have the signal restored. When we finally did have it restored we were thinking only of the people back in Padang, not so much back home in America. However, we quickly found out--through my uncle's, brother-in-law's, and parents' phone calls--that the people back home were quite worried about us. I found that my mom was so distraught that she was unable to go to work the day they found out about the earthquake. We really felt loved when we got calls, emails and saw all the updates on facebook about us. Thank you for your prayers, loved ones.

Back to Indonesia...We wanted to go back to the city, but we heard about the landslides that happened along the windy, mountainous roads that we had just taken. (We were quite protected as we also could have been on those roads during the earthquake and then stranded there.) So, we ended up staying down south for several days.

When we finally did come back, what we saw shocked us. We can only imagine what it must have been like when it actually happened, but the pictures I'll put up here might be able to tell a better story than my words (pictures coming this afternoon!):


Friends, I don't know why this happened. I don't know why it happened while we were there. All I know is that we want to go back.

Now, the city is on the map because before that day I'm sure most of the world had no idea where Padang was. There is even more work that needs to be done. King has told people that pretty much every building has some structural damage, so it will take years to rebuild. It will also take years to build hope into people's lives. Please continue to lift these people up to God. He is the one who can help them and give them the comfort and love they need.

We are also going to be sending out a general update about our trip tomorrow, so thanks for being patient. Things have been interesting and busy since we came back. :) More on that later, as well!

Gempa “earthquake” story Part 1

While planning we were faced with the choice of the Ambacang or at a Homestay (it's a home/hostel). We decided during the last few days at home that we would go to the Homestay to save money. We were also deciding on how long to stay in Padang and when to go to Muara Labuh. We decided that we wanted to spend the bulk of our time up there and then spend the last three days in Padang. A friend’s acquaintance has been in touch with us and had someone drive us up there. We arrived around 3pm or so. The gempa happened around 5pm.

I was taking pictures on a common area balcony overlooking the main road and the mountains. Really, I was just really playing around with the camera. King was inside our room. I had been dizzy from all the traveling we’d been doing and from jet lag. So I was just thinking that it was me being light headed, but it didn’t stop. King told me he was yelling my name and ran out to get me. He grabbed my hand and we started to run down the stairs. Before we got to the bottom a three foot vase fell and broke and blocked the path we should have taken to get out. We went around the side of the hotel and went through their kitchen to get to the open area near a field at the back of the hotel. King was barefoot.

It was just too uncanny that the two countries we were in both experienced a natural disaster. We looked at each other after we got to safety and looked at each other and couldn't help but let out a little laugh. I felt bad, though, after I looked at the people around us and saw how afraid they were. During the earthquake one man was running the same way we were in front of us and he was praying to All ah while I, on the other hand, was praying to Jesus to save us.

We had no idea what the devastation was or where the epicenter was because the people I was talking to couldn't really understand nor speak much English. In addition to that we were without electricity, water, or cell signal that evening and into the next morning. We wanted first to get a hold of the people we knew in Padang and couldn't.

The news the next morning broke our hearts and freaked us out as we still did not hear from anyone.

(More later...I'm soooo hungry!)

Oh, what an adventure!

FLIGHT and FLOOD

It just so happened that the day we are flying in to the Philippines is the day that the floods come in. We were initially supposed to fly in at 11:35 am, but it was so bad that we didn't get picked up by King's dad at 11:15pm. As we got near NAIA (Ninoy Aquino International Airport) the captain went on the PA and told us that we were going to circle for a while before we landed due to bad weather. You know the feeling you get when you go on bad carnival rides that make your stomach go up and down? Imagine that for almost 45 minutes. I had my barf bag ready and tried to avoid looking and listening to the girl five seats down as she spit and puked into hers. Ugh...I don't even want to think about it anymore! hehe. Anyway, after a while we were diverted to Clark Air Force Base and stayed there on the tarmac for a few hours to wait for the weather in Manila to let up. We finally flew back and landed thinking this was the last of our troubles. Nope. We had no idea that there were such bad flooding that caused road blocks or no passage. My father-in-law and his driver were in the car waiting for us for over 12 hours. The devastation, as we watched on TV, was quite sad...Let's continue to pray for them.

SINGAPORE

Singapore is a wonderful place to visit! Besides our swanky, bare minimums hotel, we have been enjoying the sights and sounds of this diverse city. Some of the main ethnicities here are Chinese, Indian, and Malay. We came in on the last night of the Formula 1 race. It took a little while to figure out the public transport, but we've loved it ever since. The Singapore Zoo is, hands down, the best zoo I've ever been to. This is due to the fact that the animals are a lot closer and it feels like they are more in their natural environment.

After the Zoo, we went next door to the Night Safari. It's the only one of it's kind in the world. We went in a tram that took us around the park and we also walked around the exhibit trails all the while looking at mostly nocturnal animals. Awesome!

Now we're headed for Padang!

Woohoooooo!

We're leaving tonight at 1:00am! I haven't felt this excited in who knows how long! I let out a big, "Wooohoooo!" in my car today. I'm ready for the journey with my journal, books, ipod, and of course...my eye mask and ear plugs. :)

Allow us to share a huge blessing with you. With the Lord's leading we did not raise funds nor did we ask anyone for money for this trip. At first we weren't sure how we were going to be able to make ends meet--especially since I have taken a break from working to be able to rest, grieve, and heal. So, we just had to wait on God and say, 'You know what we need. Would You please provide for us?'

And He, in His tender mercy, has. These last two weeks we've seen God meeting our needs. We have had to continue to pay our bills and have also had to book and reschedule flights we were supposed to take earlier this year. So, some people have graciously given to us and our bills have been able to be paid. What has been coming in is pretty much the exact amounts that we need. Amazing! I told King the other day, "Look, the cost of rescheduling and booking flights has just been covered!" (I even got a random check in the mail for $17 from a law suit of a job agency and I had no idea I'd be a recipient. hehe!)

Over these last months I've been confused about why we lost our daughter and out of that confusion, some doubts in His love for me arose. I wondered if He cared for me...I mean, I knew He did in a large scale sense, but for me, personally and intimately. Him providing for us has truly softened my heart toward Him. My life is in His hands and He HASN'T forgotten us. :)

Thank you to those of you who have given financially to us. Know that your giving is answered prayer. He does hear and answer. And this has just fueled the flame in our hearts of knowing that He loves us and is faithful.

To those of you who have committed to praying for us, be blessed as we update you (when there is internet access!) on what is happening through this blog.

Rejoice and praise God with us, friends. This trip has been a desire of our hearts and it's finally here. And that calls for another, "Wooooohooooo!!!" :)

How you can pray for us

We pray that God would open the limits of all of our hearts (limits that may cause us to live our lives for our own gain) for the purpose of entering into the freedom of loving people on the other side of the earth because He is worthy of our worship. Will you join us in prayer? If you so choose, you can print out this page and put it in a place where it will help you remember to pray for us.

How you can pray

Before we leave (Sept 18 to Sept 25)

• Preparation: Pray this week that we would take time out to prepare our hearts and minds to be able to listen to God while we are in country.

As we travel (Thurs, Sept 24 to Tues, Sept 29)

• In Transit: We will be going through four different airports before we reach our destination! Pray that all our baggage arrives and that none of our flights get canceled.

In Country (Tues, Sept 29 to Thurs, Oct 8)

• Open Doors: Pray that we would find favor with local officials as we meet with them to discuss possible ways that we could help in that specific area.
• His Direction: Pray that when we are there that we would be sensitive to God’s guidance and walk where He leads.
• His Glory: Pray that whoever we meet and wherever we go that God would be glorified and that people would be drawn to Him.
• Our Fears: Please pray that our fears of not knowing the language, the culture, the area, and of our safety would be dispelled as we trust in Him.
• Our hearts: Pray that God would enlarge our hearts to start to love the people in that area.

After our trip (Oct 8 and beyond)

• Clarity, Wisdom, Strength: Pray afterward, that God would make things more clear in terms of the next step He wants us to take and that we would follow accordingly.
• Your involvement: Pray as to the way He might have you be involved whenever our plans are more concrete. That could entail being committed to praying for us, supporting us financially, or even joining us!

Thank you in advance for the time that you may be spending interceding to God on our behalf. We’ll let you know how everything goes by the end of October.

Until then, check our blog for updates. http://kingandfaye.blogspot.com

With much hope, King and Faye Sacramento

Email letter sent out to friends and family

Here's a copy of the email I just sent out in case you didn't get it via email:

Dear Friends and Family,
Hello! We pray that this letter finds you in a place in your lives where you are very much aware and living in the fact that you are loved by our wonderful God.

The last time you may have heard from us was in the midst of one of the worst, and most sorrowful situations of our lives. These last nine months have been heart wrenching as we had to say goodbye to our baby daughter Malaya before we even had a chance to say hello. We have faced these last few months realizing that the rest of our time on this earth will be lived without her.

Our hearts have broken and so many times the air around us has been filled with weeping. Oh, but this has not caused us to lose our hope in God. We’ve been witnesses of His great faithfulness. It is true what the Psalmist penned. This year we have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and yet…have felt no evil. And it is really because God has been with us. He continues to be near us and hold us close as we miss our daughter. We’re comforted knowing that every day is one day closer to being with her in Heaven.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support and love. Your prayers, emails, cards, gifts, and presence have shown your compassion and we will remember that always.

We are very much aware that your prayers and partnership will also help get us through this next season of our lives. We are writing you because we believe that God is redeeming something that we felt like we lost in January. We will finally be flying across the world to go on the vision trip that we were supposed to take earlier this year. We will be in a restricted access country from September 29 to October 8 of this year. (That’s just a little over a week away!)

The last time we were going to leave we were going to join someone who had lived there for over a decade. This time, however, we will be going on our own. (Don’t worry, we DO have contacts within the country who will be helping us.) We are planning on discussing possibilities in the area that may help boost the local economy with some local government officials. We are wanting to let God do His thing and open doors if He so chooses.

As the days get closer we are more and more excited to be able to see what God is already doing and finding out how He might have us join Him there. After having not gone on our initial trip this past January, God has restored this vision with a renewed passion for His glory and love to be spread among these people. Again, we are seeing that God doesn’t show us the whole path of our future, but is showing us just the next step in our journey.

Oh, friends. This is a difficult, complicated world we all live in. We are messy, imperfect people who are in need of such grace for our souls. We, as a couple, are convinced that God is truth and He is worthy of our worship. His love for us is so great. So amazing…

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Life has been busy these last couple of months. Let's see, what happened, again? hehe... Me and my bad memory!

We had our 3rd year anniversary on July 16. We went kayaking at Back Bay (Newport Beach) and King took me to the Palm Terrace restaurant in the Island Hotel. VERY fun! We talked about our relationship and the past year and I asked him how it was for him. He answered, "It was one of the worst years I've ever had." And then he looked at me and we had to laugh because it was SO true, yet it wasn't the most feel good answer. (We're used to that kinda weird irony in our conversations already.) I told him that I agreed. "But," he continued, "I would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but you." I thought that was one of the most special things he's ever said to me.

Another things is that we are both training for the Disney Half Marathon on September 6 (Yikes! 3 weeks away!) and I have run farther and more than I ever have before. It's been a great challenge for me. The thing is that ever since I lost Malaya I pretty much feel like I can do anything. It's amazing, the transformation that happened in me. I'm not the same person I was before all this happened. A few weeks before my sister's wedding I went mountain biking for the first time with the hubby and cried out of frustration and fell a couple of times. But I'll definitely do it again. :) Last week, I went climbing at a rock climbing gym. I was sore for a few days and I didn't make it up a few walls, but it was great. (One more thing I'll be doing this week, too). I've also been eating a lot better and exercising and have lost almost 20lbs in the past four months. I am about 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and still losing. I never knew losing weight was this easy! So, get this--one of the gifts that Malaya has given me is that I am no longer afraid of living life and trying new things. My daughter is so wonderful...

Back to the list of things I've done these past few months...My sister got married about a week ago on the 8th of August! It was a beautiful ceremony and reception and I am really happy for her and Nico. They're coming back from their honeymoon tomorrow then moving all the way to Minnesota this week for a few years. brrrr!!! Props to them because I'll never move anywhere colder than SoCal. I'm cool with warmer weather, but I will not do snow. Anyway...I had a pretty big part in the planning/coordinating of it so even though it was an awesome day I am SOOOO glad it's over. Meeting Nico's family and hanging out with the extended family was pretty cool, too. I love when the Abesamis side gets together and we just start singing praises to God. I cried with one of my aunts (who was a big help while it all was happening because she was a L & D nurse) who was visiting from out of state. She told me that Malaya will always have her place as the first great-grandchild in the Abesamis family. That touched me so deeply. I love people who are not afraid to say her name and see her as a real human being.

I just came from a baby shower today. It was the first I've been to since we lost Malaya. I was praying and deciding whether or not to go and felt like at peace with going. I was pretty much okay the whole time. It was co-ed and a big shower, so somehow the fact that there were a lot of people made me feel like I wouldn't really be missed if I had to slip out if I got too emotional. The only time my heart sank was when they said for all the moms to play this one game and I tried to continue my conversation with someone and pretend that I didn't hear it. One of the girls who was helping with the game came up to me and said, "Go play, Ate Faye" and I shook my head and said that it was okay. She said, "We want you to play." I didn't want to because it would have been too surreal a game and my heart wouldn't have been in it. I'm glad when people include me, but at the same time I kinda don't want the pity. It's weird like that. I don't understand it myself. I'm a mom who doesn't have her baby, so I don't know how to be treated.

Well...anyway, it's been a crazy couple of months. I know there are more things I've done, but those are the real biggies that have kept me preoccupied. I've certainly had moments when I was filled with much sorrow, but the joy has still been joy. It's that joy that I will not let anyone steal. I've had to remind myself on so many occasions "Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name." And still, I continue to tell people (because it is just so true) God has been faithful.

One last update! I give thanks to God because the vision trip that we were supposed to go on in January (before all the madness) is now going to happen at the end of September/October of this year! God DOES restore. This is going to even be more of an adventure because we don't have a leader. We're going on our own...just me and King. If anyone reads this blog, please pray for us as we do our planning. Also, who knows? This could be a babymoon trip, as well! hehe :)

So, there. You're now officially updated!

It's been five months...still inconsistent and "Where is God When it Hurts?"

Father's Day and the days following were heavy days. I knew it would be hard for King, but I didn't expect it to be hard for me...So it hit like a ton of bricks again. It killed me to hear the very few that said "Happy Fathers Day" to him. I'm so glad that they acknowledged them, but at the same time the "happy" wasn't happy...It was quite the opposite. My poor husband. He really misses Malaya. I really need to better anticipate possible difficulty during holidays and special dates.

Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.

I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.

It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.

I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.

It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.

It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.

What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.

Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.

words and a thousand words

Last night I was thinking that I'm not really opening up to people like I should...But then, again, who says that I always need to run to someone whenever I'm feeling down? Often, I cry alone and out to God. The next person I run to is King and usually after that I'm okay. If not, I will let someone know (usually through email or text) that I need their prayers. I'm praying that that's okay.

So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?

Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.

Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.

After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.

Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.

P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.

Things are kinda looking "UP"

It has been a LONG time since I've blogged...well, only two weeks, but it feels like it's been a while.

So, where am I at right now? I'm really not sure, but wherever I am it sure is an interesting place to be. hehe. In reality, I can't be certain because this process, I'm learning, is like a series of waves. They come and they go. Just like in a set, the waves can come in fairly frequently and then there's stillness for a while and then it'll come again. One day I'll feel totally fine and then the next, I'm down in the dumps. So, yes...it's quite interesting as I don't know what each day will bring. I was talking to a friend who very recently lost her mom. When I asked her how she was holding up, she told me that she hates the cliche, but for her she's taking it one day at a time. I'm SO there, but also I'm seeing and, now, truly believing in the joy that is in store.

It's not everyday that I cry now. In fact, it's not every week that I do. However, there are certain things that can trigger my emotions in an instant, like a newborn crying, or when I write a thank you email to someone who sent something thoughtful in the mail or in my inbox. It's just that when those kind of things DO happen, sometimes I'll be sad and sometimes I won't.

I think of my daughter often, but my brain isn't on overload like it used to be. My mind used to race, pretty much all day--constantly replaying scenarios of my birth, time with her at the hospital, and when I was pregnant. Those moments have lessened.

Don't get me wrong, though. When I'm feelin' it, I'm definitely feelin' it. I don't try to fight it anymore, though. One day I heard the song, "Bring the Rain" on my way to the gym and I completely fell apart. I was trying to look for a parking space asap because I couldn't see from my tears and I was hyperventilating. After I let myself cry for several minutes, I took several deep breaths, went in, then had my personal training session. I've always been a crier, but to cry over someone I lost for a period of months was something so foreign to me. Now, it's just become a part of my life.

I check myself sometimes and mentally make it a point to remind myself that just because I don't always cry or am not always sad it doesn't mean that I'm going to eventually forget my daughter. It's a silly thing to tell myself that, actually, because honestly, how could I ever forget her? I couldn't even if I tried. I lost a part of me. She was inside of me; Malaya was part of my own flesh and blood.

I watched "Up" today with King (who just got his bottom wisdom teeth taken out--poor guy). It was the best I've seen since "Slumdog Millionaire". So, the movie was 96 minutes long and I DIDN'T cry for a total of probably 25 minutes. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but there's a part that made me really connect with the movie and the characters (if you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the rest of this paragraph). So Carl and Elle get pregnant and she loses her baby, and evidently can't have anymore children. There is a short scene where I cried really hard because there is so much sadness in her eyes that reminded me of me and made me say out loud, "I know how you feel." Carl reminded me of King as he showed Elle that he loved her and made her smile again.

So, yeah. My point from the above movie, is that my whole worldview has changed. My daughter's death has transformed me for life. Now, I have a more "UP"ward hope of seeing her again in Heaven.

Establish the work of our hands

I was just reading Psalm 90 and these verses jumped out at me,

So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Return, O Lord! How long? And have compassion on Your servants. Oh, satisfy us early with your mercy, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.... Let Your work appear to Your servants, and Your glory to their children. And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands.

That pretty much sums up where I'm at right now. We're asking for His gladness as we move through mourning into a renewed joy. I'm SO jiving with the last two sentences especially as King and I look ahead to what He has for us in SE Asia. We're planning a trip in October for a few weeks. We know that He's called us to go, but we are at a place where He needs to show us what He is doing there and what He wants us to do there.

God, we commit to you the work of our hands and realize that you will be the one to establish it. We want to have your beauty upon us. Jesus, get the glory.

The Shepherd and the Lamb

In the Scottish hills as a shepherd strolled
In the eve with his ancient crook,
He found a lamb, that was young and chilled,
By the side of a purling brook.

And fearing the lamb might sicken and die,
Or, from his mother's side might roam,
He carried it with a tender care
To a fold in his highland home.

Mid the dreary night—o'er the craggy peaks—
Through the winds, and the storms, and cold,
The mother followed her captured lamb
To the door of the shepherd's fold.

One; we had a lamb by its mother's side—
It was artless and pure, and mild—
The dearest lamb in our dear flock,
Was the pale, little blue-eyed child.

But a shepherd came, when the sun grew low,
By a path that has long been trod,
And carried our lamb through the mists of night.
To his fold in the mount of God.

With tearful eye and a bleeding heart,
We must bear it and struggle on;
Must climb the mount by the shepherd's track,
To the fold where our lamb is gone.

--by David Barker

This reminded me of the painting my friend made for me:

My little, precious one.

family picture - i carry your heart with me

I just found this picture that goes so well with my favorite poem for Malaya that I posted on 3/20/09

March for Babies-Team Walk for Malaya Charis

On Sunday, April 26 at 8:30am, the March began. It started at Fashion Island Mall and was a somewhat hilly walk in parts of Newport Beach that I have never been to. It was a beautiful, sunny day :).

I don't want to forget all the people who walked with us so I'm just gonna list them (in no particular order) - Mom, Dad, Nico, JoAnn, Macky, Noah, Phuong, Michelle, Shanon, Mark, Kat, Julian, Janice, Dan, Jordan, Mar, Jam, Alex, Claire, Earl, Judy, Leo, and Justine. Jamaica, Jourdan, Joanna and their daughters Angelina and Trinity came later to my parents' house to join us for pizza.
I love these people. I know that it's hard to know what to do to help me and King through this time...besides praying for us, listening to us, and checking in on us, I don't know what else to tell them to do when they ask. So...from the bottom of my heart I appreciate those who came out and those who donated because they want to show their support and love for us and for babies in general. Really, I felt so loved. I also saw a few couples from my perinatal bereavement group there.

The walk was 5.5 miles long and there were SO many people. I've never done a walk before. I have done 5ks, so this was nice and different because it wasn't a competition and I didn't feel like I had to walk faster than the other people. It was just so cool and so much fun to be outdoors with all these people. Alex (age 4) said that we were walking in a parade for babies....heheh. We were all exhausted afterward (I think mostly because of the sun).


We all wore shirts that said a line from ee cummings "i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)" and on the bottom it said "Malaya Charis Sacramento - Birth and Heaven date - January 30, 2009"

It was so good to have friends and family around because I know that they miss her, too. It was so sad and I felt like it was unfair to have the sign that said "Walking in Loving Memory of Malaya Charis Sacramento - January 30, 2009". It was like a stab in the heart again to actually see her name there.
We saw one of the couples, Danielle and Duane, at this time and stopped to take pictures with their signs. Danielle asked us if we were supposed to smile as we were holding both of our babies' signs to take pictures. I said, "I don't know...I really don't know."


Right now, we honestly should be at home, caring for our newborn...Don't get me wrong, March of Dimes is a GREAT cause and I'm glad I did it (overall, King and I had a fun time with family and friends), but if I had it my way I would have preferred changing Malaya's smelly diaper over raising money and walking 5.5 miles for other babies.

Coexist - our first newborn experience since we lost her

At GriefShare last night one of the topics that really struck me was that pain and joy can coexist. Before I thought that they were totally separate experiences. I would be either in pain and not joyful or...joyful and not in pain.

It was interesting that I was able to experience what I just learned today.

One of our good friends contacted us and let us know that his wife had her baby. I was praying for her continually yesterday as I knew she was in labor. Before this, I had been opting out of any major baby events--I didn't go to baby showers and I still haven't been able to see some of my friends' newborns.

When I got the text that she had given birth I knew somehow that I was going to visit them at the hospital. I don't know, it seemed like the next step that God was leading me to. So, early that afternoon we saw our friends' hours old baby. She was adorable with a very full head of hair.

King and I fell in love with her and held her. At the same time, my heart was broken at the mere difference in our experience. Malaya was not alive when she was born and so she did not move, cry, or make any cooing noises. When we walked in the mom was breastfeeding and for me my baby never got to even taste my milk. This baby was heavier at over six pounds while our baby was 2.82 lbs. This baby had beautiful eyes, a nose, and a mouth and her umbilical cord was cut. Our baby didn't have those features and her umbilical cord was jumbled with the placenta, the tissue over her would be face, and her heart.

The things that were in this baby that reminded us of Malaya was her incredibly soft cheek. King and I talk about Malaya's cheek often and touch babies' cheeks to see if they're anything like hers...This baby has been the very closest to hers. Also, another similarity was this baby's sweet, black, peach-fuzzed back and shoulders. Right now Malaya's body is no longer whole and intact and all we have left is her ashes and tiny bone fragments. Oh my, Malaya...I don't know why it had to be like this, dear baby. How we miss you.

At the end of our visit we were saying goodbye and when I hugged the mom I started crying and I said that I'm sorry (I need to stop apologizing for missing my daughter!)...she was SO understanding. I told her that we are so happy for them and that we just wanted to meet her.

I'm still refraining from baby showers, but I'm glad I got to be able to go to a newborn and love on her and her parents and still honor the memory of my beloved baby. It certainly showed me how God gives His grace to be able to get through.

Because of sin (by the way, I HATE sin even more now) this world sucks. I'm gonna have to live with some (varying and complicated) degree of pain for the rest of my life. Still, it's almost strange that I have joy as well. Joy in Christ. As silly as that may sound to those who don't follow Jesus, it's the most real lesson I've learned this week. So I can't wait until Heaven where pain is not even allowed in. Then I'll have just pure, unadulterated joy.

Black Saturday, Easter, and the days following

Black Saturday -
A few weeks ago at the perinatal bereavement group, Sharon (the chaplain who faciltates the group), was telling us that as we look to Easter the events that took place then can be seen as similar to what we are going through now. The disciples were mourning on that day and were in a sort of in-between state; Jesus was crucified and died and hadn't raised from the dead yet. After Jesus died I can just imagine that amongst those who loved him--his mother, the eleven apostles, and the rest of His followers--there was much sadness, sorrow, and disappointment. However, that was not the end of the story. Praise God. They then experienced surprising joy when they found out that Jesus was resurrected and didn't stay dead. He was with them once again.
As parents who have lost their babies, we are in kind of in the same emotional state as the disciples as we are grieving the death of our babies. We are currently in a "Black Saturday" mode and we cry and we hurt...I feel a literal ache at times. However, we can have tremendous hope as we look to the day where we will be reunited with our sons or daughters in Heaven. What glorious promises! :)

Easter- in one word --> Healing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but it was as if the resurrection of Jesus has taken on new meaning and I gained SO much encouragement as I revel in how He is alive and how He has made me eternally alive in Him. I can now appreciate the gift of Heaven because I have someone so very special there. And I just want to be with the Lord and behold Him in His splendor and beauty. Oh, that I would keep His sacrifice and the resurrection ever before me! After Easter happenings:

Disneyland -
It was so much fun to go with some family that are visiting from Davao. (I shouldn't have worked out my lower body at the gym that same morning, though. It took me three days to finally be able to walk up and down stairs without wincing!) I did, however, actually cry a little when I was in line for Small World because I knew I'd never get to take my daughter and sing this song (that they play at least 25 times during the ride!) with her.

Hanging out with friends from the bereavement group -
We were able to share a meal together, share photos and memories about our babies, play Taboo, and I was rolling on the floor as some of us shared a few of our most embarrassing moments. Crazy people--hilarious and real.

Spending time with some family -
It's been awesome having Ate Chel, Kuya Chito, Tiffany(6), and Ruthie(3), and Ate Pat around. I've been driving them around So Cal and seeing sights I haven't even been to (and I've lived here practically all my life!). I've been enjoying the conversation, the company, and the kids :)

Good Friday

First, what a joy it is to have good friends?

(I've been venturing out more and it's done a world of good. I think I've gotten over caring that I cry in front of people and am finally accepting their presence and attempts to comfort).

Today King and I met at Coffee Bean with my old co-worker Sarah and her husband Richie who are living in Georgia. What kindred spirits they were! We laughed and shared our stories. We talked about loving our Muslim cousins. We spoke about their plans to live in China and ours to live in Indonesia. We even took time to talk about how we were doing about our losses as well.

Also, what is Tommy's Sushi without a few good buddies and a poki/poke(sp?) bowl? Our friends Thuy, Jourdan and Joanna, and Nico (my sister's fiance) all went to the RockHarbor Good Friday service and then ate out afterward. Yum and fun.

Hey, if ever you are in Costa Mesa on a weekend you can't miss RockHarbor http://rockharbor.org Let us know if you're ever interested and we'll try to join you. (P.S. If you didn't know already, we love this church). King asked me why I wanted to go to the service the other night. I said because I want to focus on Jesus and the cross. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

And I'm so glad we went. We sang songs that are some of my favorite because of the depths of truth to them. They sang "Once Again"-one of my favorites (sung at my wedding by my sister)
Once again I look upon the cross where You died.
I'm humbled by Your mercy
and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my heart.

There was an interpretive dance of Jesus' crucifixion, then some artists came up and on big white sheets were painting as we sang some songs. The middle sheet was big feet with a nail pierced through and the perspective was as if we were looking up at them from the ground up. The two side sheets were of hands in different positions. The pastor talked about how the hands symbolize how we all see the cross and the unselfish love differently--some come so thankful, some come to Christ empty with nothing to give, and some come with fingers pointing-not believing that this awesome love could actually be real.

At the end of the service, the pastor told us to write on a small piece of paper something in our lives that can be nailed to the cross (an addiction, lies that have been told us that we've believed about ourselves, something we want to change, etc). During the singing we actually nailed the paper to the cross with a hammer. Afterward, there would be a piece of paper that we could pick up that had Bible verses about our true identity in God. At that moment I perked up because two days ago I sensed strongly that God is wanting me to focus on my identity in Christ! (e.g. that I am God's child, loved by Him, that I can find grace and mercy in time of need, etc.). I was like, 'Dude, God...How cool are You? :)' I whispered to King that that was exactly what I believe God wants me to think on and understand right now.

It's so wonderful how He works. It was like He was speaking right to me :)

I have legitimate feelings of sorrow over losing Malaya, so this grief is definitely real and warranted. However, as time progresses I told myself that I am not going to get stuck in my grief. It's not right to stay this way forever. I'm not gonna rush things and I'm not going to suppress any crazy emotion, but it's not healthy to live in wallowing and see myself as a bereaved, grieving mother for the rest of my life. That is not WHO I am. What has happened to me is that I have lost my child and because of that I am sorrowful. In time, I'm going to learn to let go (what that means, I have yet to completely understand...but I do know it does not mean that I will forget her. May it never be so.)


The love on that cross... SO amazing. But peoples, let's remember that it's NOT His physical crucifixion that saved us. Don't get me wrong, He went through EXCRUCIATING pain. However, if it was only the torture and pain on the cross that saved us, ANYONE could have done it for us. But it was the forsaking of the turning away of the Father, the wrath of our ALL sins that was laid upon Him that caused Jesus to say, "My God, My God. Why have You forsaken me?" It HAD to happen. This perfect, God in flesh, literally became sin that the Father couldn't look upon Him. 2 Corinthians 5:21 - "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."


Anyway, it is a Good Friday in so many ways.

SD and a hard day

The days before and even after Malaya's EDD turned out to be harder than the actual day.

Our trip to San Diego proved to be helpful to our souls. On Friday, King and I set out with Macky, JoAnn, and Baby Noah. They are like family to us. I'm calling them my unofficial cousins. That night, Leo and Judy joined us--again, our dear friends.

In the evening, King and I sent up balloons with fun sticker faces on them. (We bought the helium tank at Party City because we figured this isn't the last time that we'll be sending up a note) Later, as I thought about it the faces were pretty appropriate because King and I are kinda that way...we're both pretty laid back and can be silly. It was like giving Malaya a chance to get to know us.



King made the blue balloon and I made the purple one. My balloon was kinda droopy, so we attached a yellow one to be in the middle so we'd know it would fly.
It turned out to be quite symbolic in that the yellow one was the higher flying balloon. It seemed as if it was leading the other two up to the sky. King said as we were walking away from the beach, that the yellow balloon was like Jesus, the center of our relationship. He was leading the way, making sure our love and our notes get sent up to Heaven.

On Saturday, Arnel (a long time friend) and King's cousins, Mark and Dennis, joined us. We went to crowded Mission Beach and I got sunburned. When we went back to our hotel, I took a nap and when I woke up I decided to walk along the beach by myself. It was good to be outside, but then I realized that the sand reminded me of my baby. The texture of the sand was pretty fine, and there were a lot of small pieces of broken white shells mixed in. It reminded me of her ashes and her little pieces of bone. It was like walking on a ground so sacred...

On Sunday, King and I slept in and then we all had lunch in Little Italy. Afterward, we picked up some yummyness at Extraordinary Desserts...ooo-la-la!

Overall, our trip to San Diego was actually quite fun and filled with much laughter.
Yesterday, however, I had one of the hardest days since Malaya died. My good friend and King's cousin just gave birth within five days of each other. Part of me rejoices for brand new lives and part of me sorrows because of Malaya's death. When we were all pregnant we all looked forward to having our kids grow up with each other...but now, that's just not gonna happen.

The absoluteness of Malaya's death was made so real by the birth of these two boys. My baby really is gone. I was so sad at the contrast of the utter joy that they are experiencing after giving birth versus the stings and punches of sorrow that King and I have been feeling. I cried and cried throughout the whole day, King held me when he got home from work. And then we went to the gym and I let the spinning class be a way to get out my frustrations. I felt better, but I think I'm coming down with something. I couldn't sleep til 3:30am and even afterward I got up a few times. I feel so icky... Ay-yay-yay.

What a ride of ups and downs (and middles), highs and lows (and in-betweens), joys and sorrows (and just being), laughter and tears (and sitting and thinking). What can I do but embrace every moment?

April 3rd in San Diego - Her due date is just one day closer...

So, King and I will be getting away for the weekend again. Last time it was in SB and now it's gonna be in SD (San Diego). In Santa Barbara, it was all so new and I was still fairly numb from the shock. Now, as we go down south to San Diego reality has set in and we are already familiar with the truth of her death and the anguish that comes with it.

Had Malaya gone all the way to term, her estimated due date would be tomorrow--April 3rd. This week has been a strange, depressing week for me. King's been feeling it, too. It's as if I've been going through daily activities while walking in a fog. My eyes have been stinging in the afternoons because they are so dry and tired. Thoughts of the realities of what could have been had she been healthy come in and out of my head all day. We could have heard her cry...we could have been three instead of two...we could have been learning how to carefully give her a bath...we could have only had the sweet instead of the accompanying bitter...we could have had life and not death. Yet, I can't get caught in those thoughts because it's a downward spiral.

This week there have been more frequent moments of heaviness in my chest and in my throat (if I'm trying to hold in tears--which, by the way, I've learned does not help). The only way I can alleviate those feelings is to cry it out. It is a mystery to me that my body tells me what I need to do in order to grieve properly. Sadness that doesn't tell me when she's coming. She creeps up behind me and then strikes somewhere in my heart with a momentum that seems too strong. It's the grace of God that gets me through those surprising, dismal moments.

How amazingly complex we are that emotions run so deep and they must come upward and outward from within for us to find relief.

We'll be going to San Diego with some friends. These friends have been among the ones who have stood by us through this whole ordeal. I wasn't sure if we should have just planned it alone, but King wanted company and several of them have shown me that I am safe to mourn with them and they will mourn along with me. (I'm learning this--that I need people and that it's okay to not be okay with them. I don't need to smile all the time. Oh, and this has humbled me.)

Oh, God. This ache...it's so difficult to explain and even understand, yet You are fully aware of all that I'm going through. You are entirely wise and I, certainly, have no claim to know all. How does this fit into Your plan?

Sometimes at the end of the day I am comforted as I thank God because of Jesus' victory over death. Because of what He did for her and for us all by shedding His blood on the cross and how He defeated the grave, she is in Heaven. Malaya had no culpability of knowing good from evil and she had no time on earth to be able to sin blatantly. She is with God--THAT I am positively sure of. She is safe in His arms. As a follower of Jesus I know that I will also one day follow Him as I walk into the glory of eternity.

I eagerly await the day when we will be praising God and will be together with Malaya forever. This life here on earth is really so short.

A thought that gets me through some tough moments--
'One day closer to her.'

soooo tired

I am absolutely exhausted. I've been trying to get out of bed for the last hour, but everything within me says to stay put. I'm writing this on the laptop lying down. I'm gonna listen to my body and take it easy today. If I'm not coming down with something perhaps it's a combination of being both emotionally tired and physically tired.

King and I went to another session at the perinatal bereavement group last night. That was helpful to be able to listen to people and weep and rejoice with each other. At our first meeting we were told that the group would start to feel like family because there is such a strong bond that connects us. This is becoming more true as we continue to go.

Also, for the past two weeks I've been trying to get back in shape and start to lose weight, so I've been going to the gym and also going running/walking with the hubby. Physically, getting my energy out just feels right and it's great when the endorphins kick in. I think it's helping me not feel like I'm going crazy because of the roller coaster of grief I'm on. I'm doing this also because I'd like to get pregnant in a few months and want to be as healthy as I can.

I don't wanna push it, but if I'm drained for the reasons above (and not getting sick) then it's worth it. Alright, time to rest again. Good night.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Malaya, Mommy and Daddy carry your heart in ours. We love you.

Losing a child

When you lose a parent, you lose your past.
When you lose a spouse, you lose your present...
But when you lose a child, you lose your future.

-Author Unknown

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow,
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan,
Yet there is no word for a parent who loses a child,
That’s how awful the loss is.
-Author Unknown

Out of nowhere-tears

A friend of mine sent me this song via Facebook. It brought me MUCH comfort.


I just finished a time of bawling a few minutes ago and it was right after someone sent me a text message that simply said that she is praying for me.

The first thing I thought while I was crying was, 'Is it because I'm sad that she has to be praying for me in this way? or Am I crying because I haven't been crying too hard lately and it's a buildup of emotion?'

Who can really know why?
I let those thoughts go as they turned to asking my baby to come back. I know in my head that she's not and that she can't, but somehow it just feels so right to say those words out loud.

This whole timing of when I'm going to cry is a mystery to me. That bout of tears was definitely unexpected. It's strange because sometimes the times I think I should be crying (like when I'm looking at her pictures) I don't always cry. Sometimes, I cry just from one thought of my baby. I'm going to give up trying to over-analyze the exact reasons for me crying. If I feel like it, I'm not going to hold it in. And I need not be ashamed of my tears.

One thing that helped me last week was realizing the truth of this verse - Psalm 56:8

You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?

I somehow misconstrued this verse to think that the writer says, "put my tears in my bottle". I would tell people that since I'm just naturally a crier that my bottle is SO big. What a comfort to know that I won't have anything to with my tears after I cry them...that God is so wonderful that HE takes care of all that.

The dress she'll never wear

I went to Target for the first time the other day and I was looking for something to wear because I'm in between sizes. The maternity clothes are a bit loose and the pre-maternity clothes are still too tight. As I was looking around I ended up walking through the maternity section. I stopped and asked myself, 'Am I sad?' and 'Am I ready to be here?'. I walked through it and did it. I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be.

I asked myself the same questions because I then found myself walking toward the baby section to get to another part of the store. 'Should I take the long way and walk around?'

I weighed it out in my head and thought, 'When am I ever going to be totally ready? I can do this. Help me, God.'

I thought of how at the GriefShare support group (yes, we're going to two support groups) they said that at some point we would have to start taking risks...steps of faith even in spite of the fear of pain. They talked about experiencing "firsts" where we would have our first time doing things. Like the first night alone without Malaya...that was painful. In time, there would be a type of layering as we do this activity over and over. They weren't saying it wasn't going to be difficult at times, it just wouldn't be the first time of going through it.

It has been 28 nights of sleeping without her since we came home from the hospital. The first few days I would cry myself to sleep. Now, sometimes I still cry, but it's not like the first night without her.

This would be the first time I would go through the baby section of a store without her in my tummy. Before, I would meticulously look through everything making mental notes of what I wanted to register for. That day, though, I just kept pushing my cart slowly through, longingly looking at the car seats from afar and passing by the little outfits knowing that she will never get to wear anything there. I almost got through the whole section until I came across this pretty dress:
It was the same type of material as the outfit that King picked out for Malaya that we put on her at the hospital. This one was cute and summery and the only one that caught my eye. I stood there for a few seconds touching the dress, thinking of my daughter and what she would look like with it on. I thought this would have been so cute on her for the summer, but felt a sadness because she will never get a chance to wear it. I wonder what she is wearing in Heaven...

Part of me wanted to buy the dress...for her...and then I thought, 'What am I going to do with it when I get home?' and then 'Maybe I'll have another daughter in the future and maybe she could wear this.' I decided against buying it. There was a heaviness in my chest as I let go of the dress and walked on to get my face wash.

So, anyway, I made it through. Then I went home and cried. I think this was a good day of grief.

First support group meeting: Perinatal bereavement group

Someone said last night,

"It's not going to get better, but it will get easier".

In looking ahead, that makes so much sense.

Every 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month Long Beach Memorial Hospital (where we had Malaya) has a group for parents who've lost a child during pregnancy or shortly after birth. We were invited by one of the chaplains, Sharon, who showed a great deal of kindness toward us while I was in labor. Even though it was somewhat far for us, King and I decided to give it a try. We were both blown away during the session.

Because we want to respect the privacy of the people there we will not mention any names or go into details about their stories. We will say, however, that it feels so good to have people who understand our pain and have been through a lot of what we are going through. Our loss is the most recent, at three weeks, but we saw how deep grief runs as tears were still being shed from people who have been there for over six months.

There were a lot of nodding heads when we told our story. I've never thought of putting our entire story about Malaya into a few short minutes, so I was in a little blur when I told it. It's okay, though. Apparently, because we will be coming back, we have more chances to tell it.

There were so many wonderful things about the night, but here are a few things beautiful:

• No matter how long they've been there, every time this group meets each has the opportunity to tell their story about what happened to them and their baby. How awesome, because sometimes people who haven't been through the death of their baby think that talking about the lost loved one might be inappropriate after a few months OR are just plain uncomfortable and don't know exactly how to listen or what to say. And of course, we want to be able to talk about Malaya when we feel like it.
• Our babies lives were honored and definitely humanized. (This is a real loss for all of us. Sometimes, because they didn't get to know our babies, there are people who might not place as much value upon these little ones versus those whom they knew well or who simply just lived longer...even unconsciously...it shows in their words.)
  
• Some said this was like a second family. There was an instant sense of camaraderie and safety for me.
• People were not ashamed or afraid to cry.
• King said on our way home that it was so great because by sharing like that people are able to help each other and at the same time they are being healed.

Lately, more and more people have been focusing on asking how I am doing and not always asking about King. I guess that's how our society is, but He IS Malaya's daddy. I'm glad that King has other fathers who can relate to what he is going through.

One of the things that I felt sad over was that someone told me about "a new normal". They said that all of us would never be the same people that we were before we lost our baby. And that made me sad because I honestly like the old me and the old King. In an instant, though, I realized that yes, we do have to let go of who were once were and learn to accept the new people that we are becoming because Malaya isn't with us anymore. So, I guess some questions we both might need to ask ourselves are, "Who was I?", "Who am I now?", and "Who are we as a couple?"

It was our first time with these amazing people, yet we can already HIGHLY recommend this type of support group for people who are dealing with miscarriage/stillbirth/the death of their baby. When we got home both King and I felt emotionally exhausted, yet quite emotionally satisfied.

Hands and Feet

Our dentist and his wife, who happen to be dear friends of ours as well, took time out to be with us right after Malaya was born. He told us that he was willing to make molds and cast her hands and her feet. Thanks Doc Mike and Ate Tatie...
When they gave us the box with the castings inside of them we opened it up and were so surprised at how detailed they were. The little wrinkles, fingernails, and toenails were defined and just so beautiful. This has been one of the most precious gestures and gifts that anyone could ever give to us. These are things that we can hold and look at anytime we want. People at the commemoration service commented on how precious this was. Today I carried the box to the couch and held each hand and foot and cried aloud. I told her how much I have loved her ever since I found out about her and will always love her. I told her how beautiful she was. I kept touching her second toe, which was significantly taller than her big toe (especially on the right foot) and laughed at how much they looked like King's. I held her hands in mine and looked at each fingernail and wrinkle and sobbed with all the pain of missing her.

I told God that I was grateful that she never knew she was "broken" and was okay to be the one hurting instead of her. I thanked God, for these were the feet that did such a great job of kicking me. Oh, how special was the time that we had together.
Needless to say, these casts are helping me and I will treasure and take care of these precious hands and feet because they show me how wonderfully she was made and remind me of the time I had with her.

Homesick

This is exactly how I feel today:

weeping and lament

King started working on Monday. And this is the first time I've spent most of my days alone. These last three days have had a few times of intense weeping for me. As I write this I just finished. It feels like I'm crying all the way from the bottom of my gut. I groan and cry with wails like a baby. My head hurts afterward.

I ask God why He had to take her...why He didn't just let her live with us. And then I cry out for help and His comfort and for rest because my soul is so weary. Then, when I can finally breathe again I thank Him for His love, for helping me through, and for never leaving me.

I cry out to my baby and ask her why she had to go and why she can't be here in my arms. I tell her that I miss her so much and I would do anything so that we could be together again.

I tell Malaya how much her daddy misses her too. When I see him looking at the pictures or her slide show he touches the screen as if he is touching her skin. He puts her receiving blanket next to us at night, holds it, and my tears fall while I'm lying down next to him. King doesn't cry like me because we all grieve differently, but he tells baby that he misses her. This all saddens me even more.

I need to lament. I need to weep. If I hold it in I fear I might explode or get sick.

Someone wrote me an email yesterday and she said, "I imagine the pain is still so stabbing..." I cried as I read that because that describes EXACTLY how I'm feeling.

And then she said this, "...I promise it won't always be so raw." Oh, how that gives me hope that my despair will not be forever.

Psalm 30:5b
...weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
God, be my refuge for however long this night will last. I will hold on to You. I also look forward to the morning, Lord, when I can rejoice again.

Our testimony: King and Faye at Malaya's life commemoration service

Malaya Testimony - King and Faye from King Faye Sacramento on Vimeo.
Here is a transcript:
(King)--Wow...We feel loved. First of all, thank you for all of you for coming today. It means so much that even though you were never able to fully know our precious baby girl that you would come to commemorate her life with us. We find some comfort in your presence and willingness to take time out of your lives to mourn with us.
(Faye)--I have always wanted to be a mom. Maybe it’s partly because I have a wonderful mom who has shown me nothing but love. When I found out that I was going to have a baby I really believed that God was really granting a dream of mine to come true.
We found out that we were pregnant in August of last year. When I took a pregnancy test I think I said “Oh my gosh” at least 17 times until I finally realized how real this was. There was a life living inside of me. This was so amazing to me. I waited for King to come home and I told him to get the laptop ready so that we could watch a show online. Little did he know that I had taken a picture of myself and the positive pregnancy test and put it on the wallpaper of the laptop and that’s how I was going to tell him that we were going to have a baby. I wanted to surprise him and watch his reaction. But instead of saying “Oh my gosh” like me, he said “Oh no”, which wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. After talking it over he admitted that he was caught off guard, but was truly happy that we were going to have a kid.
I had a very hard first trimester. The second and third trimesters were a lot easier compared to the first. In the first few months, I had pretty bad morning sickness that caused tiredness and nausea that lasted all day and night. It was really hard for me to go through a grocery store because my sense of smell was so heightened that I would dry heave if I didn’t like the smell. I could literally smell the dog food two aisles away. I found it difficult sometimes to drive and I was still teaching my English as a Second Language classes in Fullerton. When I couldn’t take it anymore I told the Lord and He made a way for me. I decided to stop teaching two of my classes. Through God’s goodness, He provided a miracle financially for us through one of my employers so we were able to get by with me staying home most of the time.
(King)--We decided early on that we were going to wait to find out the gender of the baby. Also, we wanted to bring this baby in naturally. And this meant choosing to have the baby with a midwife who don’t give pitocin or epidurals. And Faye needs to eat healthy and exercise--the eating part, which Faye did and the exercising part, which I had to force her to do. . We even wanted to have a water birth at home in Faye’s parent’s big tub. We found South Coast Midwifery, just down the street from here, and were really happy with all the staff there and the care that they gave.
Everyone we told was so happy for us. For us, it would be our first child. For both Faye’s parents and my dad, this would be their first grandchild. For our siblings, this would be the first niece or nephew. For Nanay, Faye’s grandma, this would be her first great-grandchild. Oh how joyful we all were, in grateful anticipation of this growing baby inside of Faye.
(Faye)--Around 21 weeks or so I could feel her moving. She kicked and moved around so beautifully. I would just smile sometimes in the middle of the night if I felt her uppercuts or her roundhouse kicks. King would get so excited whenever he felt her kicking. And I would get choked up sometimes when King would talk to her through my belly and tell her how much he loved her. We told each other that with God’s help, we were going to be good parents. We were floating on cloud nine knowing what a gift we had received.
Oh, how I wish we could go back to those days of bliss and not have to be here, commemorating her life that was but a whisper.
(King)--This past month we found out that our baby was sick. Through the results of the ultrasounds the doctors said that she had anencephaly which is a head abnormality where the skull didn’t fully form in the back. Also, she had ectopic cordis which means that her heart was outside of the chest cavity. Both conditions are fatal. We were both devastated and our hearts were broken. When she was born we found out that the anencephaly and the heart conditions were caused by amniotic band syndrome, which is a rupture of the amniotic sac. In our case, this syndrome caused bands to connect to Malaya’s face, heart, and umbilical cord which pulled them out of place. Also, the placenta was connected to her face. Although the doctors assured us that this was not genetic, but an accident, the fact that this happened to our little girl still hurt us and has caused indescribable pain.
We have spent seven months with Baby Malaya in Faye’s tummy and we finally met her last Friday. She was the most beautiful baby girl that I’ve ever seen. There are moments that I know I will never have with her. I didn’t hear her cry. There won’t be any sleepless nights. There won’t be midnight feedings or changing diapers--moments that some might complain about or take for granted. I won’t be able to see her grow up, but I’m grateful that I spent time with her at the hospital and knew my little girl. I held her hand. I held her close to me while I slept. I spoke to her of how much I love her and how much I’ll miss her. I know we’ll see her again. And she’s probably spending so much time with her grandma, my mom, who went to be with the Lord in 2004.
(Faye)--These past few days have felt so empty. My shirts that used to be tight around the belly, have loosened. I no longer am awakened by her kicks. There is no other soul living inside of me. There’s no longer the three of us. King and I sleep alone again. I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds.
I don’t wish this pain on anyone. King and I have asked each other why this would happen to us. We tell ourselves that we would have made awesome parents. We can’t answer any of these questions. We will simply never know why this happened to us no matter how we try to rationalize and analyze things. God's ways are truly higher than ours.
When I was pregnant with her, I used talk to her and say that the only thing I wanted for her life was for her to know God. To truly know His love and, in turn, love Him back with everything that she was. I said to her that I didn’t care what she became when she grew up. I didn’t care if she made a lot of money. I just wanted her to have a real relationship with Jesus. I remember several times where I would cry out to the Lord for this.
God answered my prayer, but not in the way that I thought He would. I thought I would see her living out the answer on this earth. Instead, she is with God now, experiencing the glory of everlasting life. She knows Him in ways that I can only begin to imagine. Praise God.
What was true about God before this happened is still true about Him today even through this unspeakable pain. God doesn’t change. He is still the same yesterday, today, and forever.
And we are still going to love God and give Him our lives through all of this. We are still gonna go serve Him as missionaries in Indonesia. We are not going to turn our backs to Him and be bitter for what happened to us. Who else can we turn to? How can we walk away from what and who we know to be so true? Our hope is in God. He is our strength. Our rock in whom we trust. He is the one carrying us.
I was crying before the Lord about this whole thing before we went to the hospital. Let me tell you what He impressed upon my heart. I believe that He was saying that she is in His embrace, and King and I are in His embrace. In this way, we are all together and will be forever together wrapped in God’s arms.
(King)--Thank the Lord that Malaya never knew suffering or pain. Praise God that she never had to deal with the ugliness of sin. Thank God that she never had her heart broken.
We hope that when you see the pictures in the slide show, that you’ll be able to see her as beautiful just as we do. We know that she looked different from other babies, but our God is a god who has fearfully and wonderfully made her. We want to believe that our baby’s heart was outside of her chest because she just had so much love to give that it couldn’t be contained.
We want her life, though it was but a few months in Faye’s womb, to never be forgotten. Please don’t forget her. It is our prayer that through her life, Jesus would be glorified…that you would grow closer to the God that holds her even now.
Her name truly has a deeper significance now than when we first thought of it. Malaya means “freedom” in Tagalog. Charis means “grace” in Greek. She is truly freely living in the graces of Heaven.
Malaya Charis, we will see you and be with you at home in Heaven someday. We miss you and wish we would have been able to have more time with you. Just wait for us over there, our dear, special baby girl. Heaven is a much more wonderful place because of you. We love you very much.
God gives. God takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. May the Lord receive all the glory through our precious daughter.