Father's Day and the days following were heavy days. I knew it would be hard for King, but I didn't expect it to be hard for me...So it hit like a ton of bricks again. It killed me to hear the very few that said "Happy Fathers Day" to him. I'm so glad that they acknowledged them, but at the same time the "happy" wasn't happy...It was quite the opposite. My poor husband. He really misses Malaya. I really need to better anticipate possible difficulty during holidays and special dates.
Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.
I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.
It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.
I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.
It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.
It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.
What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.
Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.
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4 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I'm in the same boat I'm afraid. This week, it hit me very hard. I'm wiping away the last of my tears as I'm writing this. It doesn't matter whether it's five months, or years, we will always hurt for our babies in heaven. Life moves on and we are forced to also. Be kind to yourself and know that I am here for you.
Love you..
Faye, I just now saw this and I am so glad you posted it. I can relate to so much of what you've shared - the forgetfulness, taking a long time to reply to emails, crying when you least expect it and not crying when you thought you might have, wondering if people think I am just lazy....It is comforting to hear that I am not going crazy and that this is all a normal part of grief. It is harder and more complicated than anyone from the outside can even imagine.
you have so beautiful expressed the frustration I've been wrestling with for sooo long now. Still crawling with you....
I love you. Don't worry about not responding to emails/phone calls/texts. I've been there for so long that people think that's just how i am :( and it saddens me every time they comment on it though I know they're joking.
I have been thinking of you this week....6 months is a huge milestone. Keep taking time to just grieve...this is a process. Praying you know how loved you and sweet Malaya are.
I will never forget your faces...you are loving well.
Sending love,
Laura
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