words and a thousand words

Last night I was thinking that I'm not really opening up to people like I should...But then, again, who says that I always need to run to someone whenever I'm feeling down? Often, I cry alone and out to God. The next person I run to is King and usually after that I'm okay. If not, I will let someone know (usually through email or text) that I need their prayers. I'm praying that that's okay.

So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?

Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.

Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.

After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.

Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.

P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.