Father's Day and the days following were heavy days. I knew it would be hard for King, but I didn't expect it to be hard for me...So it hit like a ton of bricks again. It killed me to hear the very few that said "Happy Fathers Day" to him. I'm so glad that they acknowledged them, but at the same time the "happy" wasn't happy...It was quite the opposite. My poor husband. He really misses Malaya. I really need to better anticipate possible difficulty during holidays and special dates.
Like...today. Our daughter was born on January 30th and today is June 30th. Five whole months. I vacillate between feeling like it's been five days or five years. Last night I asked King (because I felt my heart literally aching), "How long is it going to be until we see her again?". He answered, "I don't know." That's just an example of one of the short dialogues we have when we're sad in order to let the other know that we are hurting.
I'm hoping that my family and friends are patient with me and understanding because I have been pretty inconsistent these past few months. I think it might have made more sense in the beginning after we lost Malaya, but now (five months later because our culture seems unaccustomed to know how to deal with grieving people) it might seem like an excuse or that I'm lazy.
It's not those things at all. I am just still in a fog. My brain literally is slower in recalling things to the point where I have to sometimes close my eyes and concentrate for at least five seconds over the tiniest things, like after opening the refrigerator, 'What was I supposed to get again?' I do this several times EVERYDAY...and I'm not even working right now. It's bugging the heck out of me, but I can't seem to shake this forgetfulness off. I've read that it's one of the signs of grieving.
I haven't been attending my support groups lately, either because I'm busy or... you know, I just don't know why. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I love the people there and I get much encouragement from being with them, sharing my story, and listening to them. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm okay (whatever that means) so I don't go, but the next day I break down.
It also takes me a long time to answer emails or texts. I read them and then it takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to respond. The crazy thing is that I just don't even realize that it's been that long. So, if you're reading this and one of the people that I haven't responded to, please know I love you and at this stage I'm completely mixing life around in my head.
It's hard for me to plan ahead, now, because I feel like I'm just coping with living in the present...and I'm also thinking, 'Only God knows what's going to happen, anyway'. I don't know if that's the right way to think, but that's where I'm at.
What is the status of my heart right now? I don't know. What difficult questions I have. I keep telling everyone that God has been faithful, and He has been. There is just so much mysteriousness to His ways... Last night I started to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancy (one of King's favorite authors). Already it shows that the author has researched and tried to understand pain and I'm in safe and wise company as I read and meditate on these concepts.
Oh, Lord. I need your help. I need You.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
words and a thousand words
Last night I was thinking that I'm not really opening up to people like I should...But then, again, who says that I always need to run to someone whenever I'm feeling down? Often, I cry alone and out to God. The next person I run to is King and usually after that I'm okay. If not, I will let someone know (usually through email or text) that I need their prayers. I'm praying that that's okay.
So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?
Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.
Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.
After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.
Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.
P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.
So...remember in the last entry when I said something like, "When I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it"?
Well...right now, I'm feelin' it.
Today, after my first appointment with a nutritionist, I started to look through the basketful of cards that King and I received from those who attended the memorial service and also those who sent some in the mail. It was the first time I've looked at them since February. I just felt compelled to read through them. (I started on Thank You cards in March, but it just got too hard. I'm thinking of doing them a little at a time. I think people will understand even though it's been months.) Of course, reading the cards made me cry. I think inside I knew that was the desired result anyway. The words that people wrote that didn't offer much comfort I promptly closed. I love all the people who sent them to us, but some cliches and concepts that people wrote about still irk me a little. I know people mean well, it's just hard to know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say had I not gone through this.
After I read a few cards I finally decided to take out the dvd of the hundreds of photos that the professional photographer took of my labor/delivery, Malaya, and the first few hours we had with her. I wanted to look at the ones in color. (She did ones in color, black and white, and maternity pictures). I will post pictures once I pick a few of them and make em a smaller size. I'm only on picture 0176 and that's a little over halfway, but for now it feels good to cry...really good.
Oh, I miss my daughter so so so much. I wish I could just hold her right now.
P.S. It was hard seeing King's cousin's kid for the first time last week. He was born just right after Malaya's would have been due date in April. Because it was another reminder of how big/heavy she would have been and seeing what she could have been doing at that age, it was just plain hard. I could feel my face trying to look happy, but I knew that those darn facial muscles just couldn't do a good job of hiding...I think it was because my heart kept sinking.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Things are kinda looking "UP"
It has been a LONG time since I've blogged...well, only two weeks, but it feels like it's been a while.
So, where am I at right now? I'm really not sure, but wherever I am it sure is an interesting place to be. hehe. In reality, I can't be certain because this process, I'm learning, is like a series of waves. They come and they go. Just like in a set, the waves can come in fairly frequently and then there's stillness for a while and then it'll come again. One day I'll feel totally fine and then the next, I'm down in the dumps. So, yes...it's quite interesting as I don't know what each day will bring. I was talking to a friend who very recently lost her mom. When I asked her how she was holding up, she told me that she hates the cliche, but for her she's taking it one day at a time. I'm SO there, but also I'm seeing and, now, truly believing in the joy that is in store.
It's not everyday that I cry now. In fact, it's not every week that I do. However, there are certain things that can trigger my emotions in an instant, like a newborn crying, or when I write a thank you email to someone who sent something thoughtful in the mail or in my inbox. It's just that when those kind of things DO happen, sometimes I'll be sad and sometimes I won't.
I think of my daughter often, but my brain isn't on overload like it used to be. My mind used to race, pretty much all day--constantly replaying scenarios of my birth, time with her at the hospital, and when I was pregnant. Those moments have lessened.
Don't get me wrong, though. When I'm feelin' it, I'm definitely feelin' it. I don't try to fight it anymore, though. One day I heard the song, "Bring the Rain" on my way to the gym and I completely fell apart. I was trying to look for a parking space asap because I couldn't see from my tears and I was hyperventilating. After I let myself cry for several minutes, I took several deep breaths, went in, then had my personal training session. I've always been a crier, but to cry over someone I lost for a period of months was something so foreign to me. Now, it's just become a part of my life.
I check myself sometimes and mentally make it a point to remind myself that just because I don't always cry or am not always sad it doesn't mean that I'm going to eventually forget my daughter. It's a silly thing to tell myself that, actually, because honestly, how could I ever forget her? I couldn't even if I tried. I lost a part of me. She was inside of me; Malaya was part of my own flesh and blood.
I watched "Up" today with King (who just got his bottom wisdom teeth taken out--poor guy). It was the best I've seen since "Slumdog Millionaire". So, the movie was 96 minutes long and I DIDN'T cry for a total of probably 25 minutes. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but there's a part that made me really connect with the movie and the characters (if you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the rest of this paragraph). So Carl and Elle get pregnant and she loses her baby, and evidently can't have anymore children. There is a short scene where I cried really hard because there is so much sadness in her eyes that reminded me of me and made me say out loud, "I know how you feel." Carl reminded me of King as he showed Elle that he loved her and made her smile again.
So, yeah. My point from the above movie, is that my whole worldview has changed. My daughter's death has transformed me for life. Now, I have a more "UP"ward hope of seeing her again in Heaven.
So, where am I at right now? I'm really not sure, but wherever I am it sure is an interesting place to be. hehe. In reality, I can't be certain because this process, I'm learning, is like a series of waves. They come and they go. Just like in a set, the waves can come in fairly frequently and then there's stillness for a while and then it'll come again. One day I'll feel totally fine and then the next, I'm down in the dumps. So, yes...it's quite interesting as I don't know what each day will bring. I was talking to a friend who very recently lost her mom. When I asked her how she was holding up, she told me that she hates the cliche, but for her she's taking it one day at a time. I'm SO there, but also I'm seeing and, now, truly believing in the joy that is in store.
It's not everyday that I cry now. In fact, it's not every week that I do. However, there are certain things that can trigger my emotions in an instant, like a newborn crying, or when I write a thank you email to someone who sent something thoughtful in the mail or in my inbox. It's just that when those kind of things DO happen, sometimes I'll be sad and sometimes I won't.
I think of my daughter often, but my brain isn't on overload like it used to be. My mind used to race, pretty much all day--constantly replaying scenarios of my birth, time with her at the hospital, and when I was pregnant. Those moments have lessened.
Don't get me wrong, though. When I'm feelin' it, I'm definitely feelin' it. I don't try to fight it anymore, though. One day I heard the song, "Bring the Rain" on my way to the gym and I completely fell apart. I was trying to look for a parking space asap because I couldn't see from my tears and I was hyperventilating. After I let myself cry for several minutes, I took several deep breaths, went in, then had my personal training session. I've always been a crier, but to cry over someone I lost for a period of months was something so foreign to me. Now, it's just become a part of my life.
I check myself sometimes and mentally make it a point to remind myself that just because I don't always cry or am not always sad it doesn't mean that I'm going to eventually forget my daughter. It's a silly thing to tell myself that, actually, because honestly, how could I ever forget her? I couldn't even if I tried. I lost a part of me. She was inside of me; Malaya was part of my own flesh and blood.
I watched "Up" today with King (who just got his bottom wisdom teeth taken out--poor guy). It was the best I've seen since "Slumdog Millionaire". So, the movie was 96 minutes long and I DIDN'T cry for a total of probably 25 minutes. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but there's a part that made me really connect with the movie and the characters (if you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the rest of this paragraph). So Carl and Elle get pregnant and she loses her baby, and evidently can't have anymore children. There is a short scene where I cried really hard because there is so much sadness in her eyes that reminded me of me and made me say out loud, "I know how you feel." Carl reminded me of King as he showed Elle that he loved her and made her smile again.
So, yeah. My point from the above movie, is that my whole worldview has changed. My daughter's death has transformed me for life. Now, I have a more "UP"ward hope of seeing her again in Heaven.
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