First support group meeting: Perinatal bereavement group

Someone said last night,

"It's not going to get better, but it will get easier".

In looking ahead, that makes so much sense.

Every 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month Long Beach Memorial Hospital (where we had Malaya) has a group for parents who've lost a child during pregnancy or shortly after birth. We were invited by one of the chaplains, Sharon, who showed a great deal of kindness toward us while I was in labor. Even though it was somewhat far for us, King and I decided to give it a try. We were both blown away during the session.

Because we want to respect the privacy of the people there we will not mention any names or go into details about their stories. We will say, however, that it feels so good to have people who understand our pain and have been through a lot of what we are going through. Our loss is the most recent, at three weeks, but we saw how deep grief runs as tears were still being shed from people who have been there for over six months.

There were a lot of nodding heads when we told our story. I've never thought of putting our entire story about Malaya into a few short minutes, so I was in a little blur when I told it. It's okay, though. Apparently, because we will be coming back, we have more chances to tell it.

There were so many wonderful things about the night, but here are a few things beautiful:

• No matter how long they've been there, every time this group meets each has the opportunity to tell their story about what happened to them and their baby. How awesome, because sometimes people who haven't been through the death of their baby think that talking about the lost loved one might be inappropriate after a few months OR are just plain uncomfortable and don't know exactly how to listen or what to say. And of course, we want to be able to talk about Malaya when we feel like it.
• Our babies lives were honored and definitely humanized. (This is a real loss for all of us. Sometimes, because they didn't get to know our babies, there are people who might not place as much value upon these little ones versus those whom they knew well or who simply just lived longer...even unconsciously...it shows in their words.)
  
• Some said this was like a second family. There was an instant sense of camaraderie and safety for me.
• People were not ashamed or afraid to cry.
• King said on our way home that it was so great because by sharing like that people are able to help each other and at the same time they are being healed.

Lately, more and more people have been focusing on asking how I am doing and not always asking about King. I guess that's how our society is, but He IS Malaya's daddy. I'm glad that King has other fathers who can relate to what he is going through.

One of the things that I felt sad over was that someone told me about "a new normal". They said that all of us would never be the same people that we were before we lost our baby. And that made me sad because I honestly like the old me and the old King. In an instant, though, I realized that yes, we do have to let go of who were once were and learn to accept the new people that we are becoming because Malaya isn't with us anymore. So, I guess some questions we both might need to ask ourselves are, "Who was I?", "Who am I now?", and "Who are we as a couple?"

It was our first time with these amazing people, yet we can already HIGHLY recommend this type of support group for people who are dealing with miscarriage/stillbirth/the death of their baby. When we got home both King and I felt emotionally exhausted, yet quite emotionally satisfied.

Hands and Feet

Our dentist and his wife, who happen to be dear friends of ours as well, took time out to be with us right after Malaya was born. He told us that he was willing to make molds and cast her hands and her feet. Thanks Doc Mike and Ate Tatie...
When they gave us the box with the castings inside of them we opened it up and were so surprised at how detailed they were. The little wrinkles, fingernails, and toenails were defined and just so beautiful. This has been one of the most precious gestures and gifts that anyone could ever give to us. These are things that we can hold and look at anytime we want. People at the commemoration service commented on how precious this was. Today I carried the box to the couch and held each hand and foot and cried aloud. I told her how much I have loved her ever since I found out about her and will always love her. I told her how beautiful she was. I kept touching her second toe, which was significantly taller than her big toe (especially on the right foot) and laughed at how much they looked like King's. I held her hands in mine and looked at each fingernail and wrinkle and sobbed with all the pain of missing her.

I told God that I was grateful that she never knew she was "broken" and was okay to be the one hurting instead of her. I thanked God, for these were the feet that did such a great job of kicking me. Oh, how special was the time that we had together.
Needless to say, these casts are helping me and I will treasure and take care of these precious hands and feet because they show me how wonderfully she was made and remind me of the time I had with her.

Homesick

This is exactly how I feel today:

weeping and lament

King started working on Monday. And this is the first time I've spent most of my days alone. These last three days have had a few times of intense weeping for me. As I write this I just finished. It feels like I'm crying all the way from the bottom of my gut. I groan and cry with wails like a baby. My head hurts afterward.

I ask God why He had to take her...why He didn't just let her live with us. And then I cry out for help and His comfort and for rest because my soul is so weary. Then, when I can finally breathe again I thank Him for His love, for helping me through, and for never leaving me.

I cry out to my baby and ask her why she had to go and why she can't be here in my arms. I tell her that I miss her so much and I would do anything so that we could be together again.

I tell Malaya how much her daddy misses her too. When I see him looking at the pictures or her slide show he touches the screen as if he is touching her skin. He puts her receiving blanket next to us at night, holds it, and my tears fall while I'm lying down next to him. King doesn't cry like me because we all grieve differently, but he tells baby that he misses her. This all saddens me even more.

I need to lament. I need to weep. If I hold it in I fear I might explode or get sick.

Someone wrote me an email yesterday and she said, "I imagine the pain is still so stabbing..." I cried as I read that because that describes EXACTLY how I'm feeling.

And then she said this, "...I promise it won't always be so raw." Oh, how that gives me hope that my despair will not be forever.

Psalm 30:5b
...weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
God, be my refuge for however long this night will last. I will hold on to You. I also look forward to the morning, Lord, when I can rejoice again.

Our testimony: King and Faye at Malaya's life commemoration service

Malaya Testimony - King and Faye from King Faye Sacramento on Vimeo.
Here is a transcript:
(King)--Wow...We feel loved. First of all, thank you for all of you for coming today. It means so much that even though you were never able to fully know our precious baby girl that you would come to commemorate her life with us. We find some comfort in your presence and willingness to take time out of your lives to mourn with us.
(Faye)--I have always wanted to be a mom. Maybe it’s partly because I have a wonderful mom who has shown me nothing but love. When I found out that I was going to have a baby I really believed that God was really granting a dream of mine to come true.
We found out that we were pregnant in August of last year. When I took a pregnancy test I think I said “Oh my gosh” at least 17 times until I finally realized how real this was. There was a life living inside of me. This was so amazing to me. I waited for King to come home and I told him to get the laptop ready so that we could watch a show online. Little did he know that I had taken a picture of myself and the positive pregnancy test and put it on the wallpaper of the laptop and that’s how I was going to tell him that we were going to have a baby. I wanted to surprise him and watch his reaction. But instead of saying “Oh my gosh” like me, he said “Oh no”, which wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. After talking it over he admitted that he was caught off guard, but was truly happy that we were going to have a kid.
I had a very hard first trimester. The second and third trimesters were a lot easier compared to the first. In the first few months, I had pretty bad morning sickness that caused tiredness and nausea that lasted all day and night. It was really hard for me to go through a grocery store because my sense of smell was so heightened that I would dry heave if I didn’t like the smell. I could literally smell the dog food two aisles away. I found it difficult sometimes to drive and I was still teaching my English as a Second Language classes in Fullerton. When I couldn’t take it anymore I told the Lord and He made a way for me. I decided to stop teaching two of my classes. Through God’s goodness, He provided a miracle financially for us through one of my employers so we were able to get by with me staying home most of the time.
(King)--We decided early on that we were going to wait to find out the gender of the baby. Also, we wanted to bring this baby in naturally. And this meant choosing to have the baby with a midwife who don’t give pitocin or epidurals. And Faye needs to eat healthy and exercise--the eating part, which Faye did and the exercising part, which I had to force her to do. . We even wanted to have a water birth at home in Faye’s parent’s big tub. We found South Coast Midwifery, just down the street from here, and were really happy with all the staff there and the care that they gave.
Everyone we told was so happy for us. For us, it would be our first child. For both Faye’s parents and my dad, this would be their first grandchild. For our siblings, this would be the first niece or nephew. For Nanay, Faye’s grandma, this would be her first great-grandchild. Oh how joyful we all were, in grateful anticipation of this growing baby inside of Faye.
(Faye)--Around 21 weeks or so I could feel her moving. She kicked and moved around so beautifully. I would just smile sometimes in the middle of the night if I felt her uppercuts or her roundhouse kicks. King would get so excited whenever he felt her kicking. And I would get choked up sometimes when King would talk to her through my belly and tell her how much he loved her. We told each other that with God’s help, we were going to be good parents. We were floating on cloud nine knowing what a gift we had received.
Oh, how I wish we could go back to those days of bliss and not have to be here, commemorating her life that was but a whisper.
(King)--This past month we found out that our baby was sick. Through the results of the ultrasounds the doctors said that she had anencephaly which is a head abnormality where the skull didn’t fully form in the back. Also, she had ectopic cordis which means that her heart was outside of the chest cavity. Both conditions are fatal. We were both devastated and our hearts were broken. When she was born we found out that the anencephaly and the heart conditions were caused by amniotic band syndrome, which is a rupture of the amniotic sac. In our case, this syndrome caused bands to connect to Malaya’s face, heart, and umbilical cord which pulled them out of place. Also, the placenta was connected to her face. Although the doctors assured us that this was not genetic, but an accident, the fact that this happened to our little girl still hurt us and has caused indescribable pain.
We have spent seven months with Baby Malaya in Faye’s tummy and we finally met her last Friday. She was the most beautiful baby girl that I’ve ever seen. There are moments that I know I will never have with her. I didn’t hear her cry. There won’t be any sleepless nights. There won’t be midnight feedings or changing diapers--moments that some might complain about or take for granted. I won’t be able to see her grow up, but I’m grateful that I spent time with her at the hospital and knew my little girl. I held her hand. I held her close to me while I slept. I spoke to her of how much I love her and how much I’ll miss her. I know we’ll see her again. And she’s probably spending so much time with her grandma, my mom, who went to be with the Lord in 2004.
(Faye)--These past few days have felt so empty. My shirts that used to be tight around the belly, have loosened. I no longer am awakened by her kicks. There is no other soul living inside of me. There’s no longer the three of us. King and I sleep alone again. I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds.
I don’t wish this pain on anyone. King and I have asked each other why this would happen to us. We tell ourselves that we would have made awesome parents. We can’t answer any of these questions. We will simply never know why this happened to us no matter how we try to rationalize and analyze things. God's ways are truly higher than ours.
When I was pregnant with her, I used talk to her and say that the only thing I wanted for her life was for her to know God. To truly know His love and, in turn, love Him back with everything that she was. I said to her that I didn’t care what she became when she grew up. I didn’t care if she made a lot of money. I just wanted her to have a real relationship with Jesus. I remember several times where I would cry out to the Lord for this.
God answered my prayer, but not in the way that I thought He would. I thought I would see her living out the answer on this earth. Instead, she is with God now, experiencing the glory of everlasting life. She knows Him in ways that I can only begin to imagine. Praise God.
What was true about God before this happened is still true about Him today even through this unspeakable pain. God doesn’t change. He is still the same yesterday, today, and forever.
And we are still going to love God and give Him our lives through all of this. We are still gonna go serve Him as missionaries in Indonesia. We are not going to turn our backs to Him and be bitter for what happened to us. Who else can we turn to? How can we walk away from what and who we know to be so true? Our hope is in God. He is our strength. Our rock in whom we trust. He is the one carrying us.
I was crying before the Lord about this whole thing before we went to the hospital. Let me tell you what He impressed upon my heart. I believe that He was saying that she is in His embrace, and King and I are in His embrace. In this way, we are all together and will be forever together wrapped in God’s arms.
(King)--Thank the Lord that Malaya never knew suffering or pain. Praise God that she never had to deal with the ugliness of sin. Thank God that she never had her heart broken.
We hope that when you see the pictures in the slide show, that you’ll be able to see her as beautiful just as we do. We know that she looked different from other babies, but our God is a god who has fearfully and wonderfully made her. We want to believe that our baby’s heart was outside of her chest because she just had so much love to give that it couldn’t be contained.
We want her life, though it was but a few months in Faye’s womb, to never be forgotten. Please don’t forget her. It is our prayer that through her life, Jesus would be glorified…that you would grow closer to the God that holds her even now.
Her name truly has a deeper significance now than when we first thought of it. Malaya means “freedom” in Tagalog. Charis means “grace” in Greek. She is truly freely living in the graces of Heaven.
Malaya Charis, we will see you and be with you at home in Heaven someday. We miss you and wish we would have been able to have more time with you. Just wait for us over there, our dear, special baby girl. Heaven is a much more wonderful place because of you. We love you very much.
God gives. God takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. May the Lord receive all the glory through our precious daughter.

back from a respite in SB

King and I came back from our trip to Santa Barbara today. We were given three nights at a the Old Yacht Club Inn: Bed and Breakfast. It was truly something that we needed. It was so good to be able to get away and be able to grieve together. We also needed to find ways to laugh together as well. We spent most of our time resting in our room or enjoying a meal together.

We talked much about Malaya and grieved over what could have been. We spoke about how she would have loved the ocean and how she would have made a great soccer player because she was such a talented kicker. We thought about her throughout the day and before we would go to sleep we would often hug and smell the last blanket she was in before we left the hospital. I wrote an email today to one of King's sisters telling her that it's hard because we are realizing that we love Malaya more than we ever knew we did when she was with us. This is such a sorrowful time for me that even in Santa Barbara the waves seemed to move with sadness.


There were several instances where I felt a deep sense of loss for my child. The first was when we were walking next to the beach. We passed by a playground where a mother and her child were playing. The son, who was probably two or three years old, was on a swing and the mom was pushing him. He was laughing so hard and at first it brought a smile to my face, but immediately I thought of my baby. I realized that I never heard her, nor will I ever, hear her laugh like that. I wept while looking at the ocean next to King.

Another time was at the SB Zoo. I'm not so sure why, but watching the animals was surprisingly comforting. Here I am with a cute Asian elephant. We took a train ride around the zoo (I don't recommend this because you don't get to see too many animals). We were in line for a little over ten minutes. Everyone in line had little children with them. All I could see was the face of my baby and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her at any of the children's ages. I cried on King's shoulder.

The third time I was profoundly sad was during dinner at a restaurant on Stearns Wharf. As we walked along the pier on our way to the restaurant it was dark and windy. I couldn't speak much because I just felt so alone. Alone, as in my family was only two and not three. King said, "It's okay." I said, "No, it's not okay." My tears kept falling as I ate my salad and King let me cry.


I thank God for the time I had with King. I could not imagine going through this without him. We are helping each other get through each day. What a gift he is to me...

When we got home we picked up an order from Edible Arrangements that King's work sent him. This was so kind of them. I have always wanted to get one of these. The fruit was beautiful and refreshing. It's just sad that this was given to us because we lost our little girl.

Her gardenia bonzai, Santa Barbara, love gifts, Bible, gebera daisy, and painting

Someone had a gardenia bonzai tree delivered to my parents house in memory of Malaya a few days ago. We've been enjoying the beauty and smell of the flowers. If this person would be so kind, would you email us and let us know that you were the one who sent it? You can email us at kingandfaye@gmail.com . We're not sure if you wanted to remain anonymous, but we wanted to be able to thank you properly. I don't really have a green thumb, but I will be sure to take total care of this lovely plant. God gives beauty.

We will be heading to Santa Barbara tomorrow. A dear, dear couple from church has always been close and just like family to King, me, and my own family. They have given us the gift of three nights at The Old Yacht Club Inn: a bed and breakfast one block away from the beach. King and I have been talking about going up there for months and since everything has been happening we have also felt a need to be able to just get away and relax for a while. This is truly answered prayer. God cares for us.

We weren't expecting that people were going to give us anything financially...we just wanted to show off our baby girl. We received some monetary gifts and for this we are definitely grateful. We will be using these love gifts for all the arrangements we will be making for Malaya. God provides.

Ate Joy came early to the service to help out with what she could and she gave us this Bible with Malaya's name engraved on it. Her presence and kind words helped me gather strength especially before the service. God's Word remains forever.

We have been getting a lot of flowers and they have been a joy to me whenever I see them. Here is one such plant, a gebera daisy, that our friend, Anna Liza, planted on behalf of King, Malaya, and me that she said was a reminder to pray for us. God answers prayer.

Here is a picture of a painting that our friend, Jessica, has painted on behalf of Malaya. I didn't cry much at Malaya's life commemoration service, but this touched me so much when she handed this to me. God is taking care of our baby girl.

We are very blessed to have so many people who love us. We appreciate you.

Malaya's Life Commemoration Service and Video

Last night we had Malaya's Life Commemoration service at Woodbridge Community Church.
See below for the order of the program.

Before the service, King and I prayed that God would use our baby's life to be an instrument of the truth of Jesus to touch people's lives. We really wanted people to be introduced to our precious baby girl and have her life give honor to God. King had told me the night before that he hoped that God would be glorified. I told him that He would be because that's what we wanted. And boy, did we see Him doing His thing! Gosh, last night was just so beautiful.

I simply whispered a one line prayer, "God please give me strength" and He answered. I'm sure others were praying the same for King and me. It was supernatural, the strength that He gave us. I'm not one to hold back tears, but for some reason most of the time my eyes were fairly dry. God sustained me and I only used four tissues throughout the whole night.

When Pastor Ali started praying I knew that that night something special was going to happen. Somehow, I knew that there was no way that anyone could leave without being changed. I knew I, myself, would be transformed forever.

The songs that my brother, Joe, led were just great and the other friends that played made the music so rich. Singing to God, and about God, was exactly what I needed to do. I sang out even when my throat hurt.

Jeff, King's brother, did a good job in reading Psalm 139. God reminded me that He is the one who knit her together in my womb and that I should really praise Him for she was fearfully and wonderfully made.

Godfrey expounded on what Jeff read. King and I were blown away because of how honestly he talked about death. There was no morbidity about it. Instead, I felt my feelings of despair disperse. He reminded all of us that death has lost it's sting because of the hope we have received through the death and resurrection of Jesus. He encouraged those listening to put their faith in God. Hopefully he has his notes so that I can post it on here.

Delia sang with such authority and power. I have heard and sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" countless times, but while she sang, I could literally feel my spirit just rise within me and fill my chest with hope. Hope that would carry me throughout the rest of the night. Girl got pipes...and heart.

Pastor Vince (King's uncle) talked about lament and grief. He said that we have been taught by our culture to do whatever it takes to stop lamenting or "comfort" people so that they'll stop crying. As followers of Jesus we should be experts at grieving and be comfortable with shedding our tears to God and to each other. Again, he pointed people toward knowing and trusting in Jesus, our only true consolation and the One who weeps with us.

When we went up to speak, both King and I took our first look at who was able to come and, no joke, there were more than 300 people there: family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and people we have never met before. The first things that came out of both of our mouths were "Wow...". My heart was moved. Our little Malaya brought together a whole bunch of people that loved us and her. Again, it was incredible the strength that God gave both of us to share our story of her in our lives. I will post what we said in another entry.

Rommel did an awesome job with the slide show. Tammy, our photographer, captured the moments we had with her so well. Her fingers, toes, beautiful head, and body were shown. In our eyes, she is perfect and it was heartwarming to hear people agree with us and say how beautiful she is. We just uploaded the video to Vimeo, so here it is:


Malaya Charis Sacramento - Glory Baby from King Faye Sacramento on Vimeo.

Dear friends and family came up to lay hands on us while Pastor Vince, Doc Mike, Leo, and Pastor Frank prayed over us. We were reminded of the faithfulness of God who has been and will be all sufficient to walk ahead. Also, God showed us that we are not alone. He won't leave us and the community has shown their commitment to us as well.

"Blessed be Your Name" was a song that brought great comfort to King and me when King's mom went to be with Jesus in 2004. I thought of them playing together in Heaven. Bless His name, indeed.

Pastor Jonathan closed us out and in his prayer he thanked God for how our daughter is in the arms of God in Heaven...our real Home. What hope...

The love that we received was perfect. So many people were willing to help out: decorating, helping with the program and encouragement cards, bringing food, etc. King and I have never hugged so many people at one time in our lives. The hugs were even better than those received at our wedding. The hugs and kisses that we were given were such a comfort and it was as if the Lord was using everyone to be His arms. I made sure to look into the eyes of each person that came to embrace me and told them thank you and that I loved them. I don't want to take anyone for granted anymore. Several were tear filled as they came up to us and those tears and tender eyes possibly spoke more compassion than their words could. Also, some people gave us love gifts, flowers, and cards that we have been reading and re-reading all day today.

I was SO proud of my baby afterward. I told King as we were driving away from the church that she is just so wonderful. She, though no one was able to meet her personally, was able to touch the hearts of so many people: those able to make it to the service, those who were with us there in prayer, friends, family, and even total strangers. Oh, my darling Malaya, we are still very sad that you're not here, but you have shown us how amazing you are!

God, you were SO there. Your presence was SO real. Continue to have Your way in all our lives.

Malaya's Life Commemoration--order of service

Prelude---Godfrey Catanus

Opening Prayer---Pastor Ali Aguarino

Praise and Worship---Joe Abesamis, Godfrey Catanus, Homer Dulu, Andrew Arellano, Patricia Ferido

I Will Lift My Eyes
Bring the Rain
When the Tears Fall

Scripture---Psalm 139---Jeffrey Sacramento

Message---Pastor Godfrey Catanus

Special Song---Great is Thy Faithfulness---Delia King

Message---Pastor Vince Arnaldo

Worship---Joe Abesamis and team

Never Let Go
It is Well

Testimony---King & Faye Sacramento

Slideshow---made by Rommel Andal

Pray over King & Faye---Those who prayed---Pastor Vince Arnaldo, Dr. Michael Co, Leo Balayon, Pastor Frank Winans // Friends and family surrounded us and laid hands on us

Closing Song---Blessed be Your Name

Closing Prayer---Pastor Jonathan Mortiz

beautiful baby girl

Our very beautiful baby girl, Malaya Charis Sacramento, was born on Friday, January 30, 2009 at 8:53pm. She weighs 2 pounds 8.2 ounces and is 14.5 inches. She also went home to be with Jesus at that time...

I (Faye) was in labor and delivery for about 36 hours and God sustained me and was mine and King's strength, refuge, and comfort throughout the entire process. May God's name be praised.

We would like to commemorate her life with you, if you are able to come. You are all invited to her Celebration of Life Service will be held at
Woodbridge Community Church
5000 Barranca Parkway
Irvine, CA 92604
This Wednesday, February 4, 2009 -- 7:00pm

We are still at the hospital and will be discharged very soon. Our hearts are filled in that we were able to share these past few days with her. We are also filled with such indescribable sadness. Everything has been so surreal...We love her so much that it hurts...

We will write about our experiences at a later date. As for now, we covet your prayers and love as we and our families will be grieving. Thank you so much for your support and prayers.