back from a respite in SB

King and I came back from our trip to Santa Barbara today. We were given three nights at a the Old Yacht Club Inn: Bed and Breakfast. It was truly something that we needed. It was so good to be able to get away and be able to grieve together. We also needed to find ways to laugh together as well. We spent most of our time resting in our room or enjoying a meal together.

We talked much about Malaya and grieved over what could have been. We spoke about how she would have loved the ocean and how she would have made a great soccer player because she was such a talented kicker. We thought about her throughout the day and before we would go to sleep we would often hug and smell the last blanket she was in before we left the hospital. I wrote an email today to one of King's sisters telling her that it's hard because we are realizing that we love Malaya more than we ever knew we did when she was with us. This is such a sorrowful time for me that even in Santa Barbara the waves seemed to move with sadness.


There were several instances where I felt a deep sense of loss for my child. The first was when we were walking next to the beach. We passed by a playground where a mother and her child were playing. The son, who was probably two or three years old, was on a swing and the mom was pushing him. He was laughing so hard and at first it brought a smile to my face, but immediately I thought of my baby. I realized that I never heard her, nor will I ever, hear her laugh like that. I wept while looking at the ocean next to King.

Another time was at the SB Zoo. I'm not so sure why, but watching the animals was surprisingly comforting. Here I am with a cute Asian elephant. We took a train ride around the zoo (I don't recommend this because you don't get to see too many animals). We were in line for a little over ten minutes. Everyone in line had little children with them. All I could see was the face of my baby and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her at any of the children's ages. I cried on King's shoulder.

The third time I was profoundly sad was during dinner at a restaurant on Stearns Wharf. As we walked along the pier on our way to the restaurant it was dark and windy. I couldn't speak much because I just felt so alone. Alone, as in my family was only two and not three. King said, "It's okay." I said, "No, it's not okay." My tears kept falling as I ate my salad and King let me cry.


I thank God for the time I had with King. I could not imagine going through this without him. We are helping each other get through each day. What a gift he is to me...

When we got home we picked up an order from Edible Arrangements that King's work sent him. This was so kind of them. I have always wanted to get one of these. The fruit was beautiful and refreshing. It's just sad that this was given to us because we lost our little girl.