March for Babies-Team Walk for Malaya Charis

On Sunday, April 26 at 8:30am, the March began. It started at Fashion Island Mall and was a somewhat hilly walk in parts of Newport Beach that I have never been to. It was a beautiful, sunny day :).

I don't want to forget all the people who walked with us so I'm just gonna list them (in no particular order) - Mom, Dad, Nico, JoAnn, Macky, Noah, Phuong, Michelle, Shanon, Mark, Kat, Julian, Janice, Dan, Jordan, Mar, Jam, Alex, Claire, Earl, Judy, Leo, and Justine. Jamaica, Jourdan, Joanna and their daughters Angelina and Trinity came later to my parents' house to join us for pizza.
I love these people. I know that it's hard to know what to do to help me and King through this time...besides praying for us, listening to us, and checking in on us, I don't know what else to tell them to do when they ask. So...from the bottom of my heart I appreciate those who came out and those who donated because they want to show their support and love for us and for babies in general. Really, I felt so loved. I also saw a few couples from my perinatal bereavement group there.

The walk was 5.5 miles long and there were SO many people. I've never done a walk before. I have done 5ks, so this was nice and different because it wasn't a competition and I didn't feel like I had to walk faster than the other people. It was just so cool and so much fun to be outdoors with all these people. Alex (age 4) said that we were walking in a parade for babies....heheh. We were all exhausted afterward (I think mostly because of the sun).


We all wore shirts that said a line from ee cummings "i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)" and on the bottom it said "Malaya Charis Sacramento - Birth and Heaven date - January 30, 2009"

It was so good to have friends and family around because I know that they miss her, too. It was so sad and I felt like it was unfair to have the sign that said "Walking in Loving Memory of Malaya Charis Sacramento - January 30, 2009". It was like a stab in the heart again to actually see her name there.
We saw one of the couples, Danielle and Duane, at this time and stopped to take pictures with their signs. Danielle asked us if we were supposed to smile as we were holding both of our babies' signs to take pictures. I said, "I don't know...I really don't know."


Right now, we honestly should be at home, caring for our newborn...Don't get me wrong, March of Dimes is a GREAT cause and I'm glad I did it (overall, King and I had a fun time with family and friends), but if I had it my way I would have preferred changing Malaya's smelly diaper over raising money and walking 5.5 miles for other babies.

Coexist - our first newborn experience since we lost her

At GriefShare last night one of the topics that really struck me was that pain and joy can coexist. Before I thought that they were totally separate experiences. I would be either in pain and not joyful or...joyful and not in pain.

It was interesting that I was able to experience what I just learned today.

One of our good friends contacted us and let us know that his wife had her baby. I was praying for her continually yesterday as I knew she was in labor. Before this, I had been opting out of any major baby events--I didn't go to baby showers and I still haven't been able to see some of my friends' newborns.

When I got the text that she had given birth I knew somehow that I was going to visit them at the hospital. I don't know, it seemed like the next step that God was leading me to. So, early that afternoon we saw our friends' hours old baby. She was adorable with a very full head of hair.

King and I fell in love with her and held her. At the same time, my heart was broken at the mere difference in our experience. Malaya was not alive when she was born and so she did not move, cry, or make any cooing noises. When we walked in the mom was breastfeeding and for me my baby never got to even taste my milk. This baby was heavier at over six pounds while our baby was 2.82 lbs. This baby had beautiful eyes, a nose, and a mouth and her umbilical cord was cut. Our baby didn't have those features and her umbilical cord was jumbled with the placenta, the tissue over her would be face, and her heart.

The things that were in this baby that reminded us of Malaya was her incredibly soft cheek. King and I talk about Malaya's cheek often and touch babies' cheeks to see if they're anything like hers...This baby has been the very closest to hers. Also, another similarity was this baby's sweet, black, peach-fuzzed back and shoulders. Right now Malaya's body is no longer whole and intact and all we have left is her ashes and tiny bone fragments. Oh my, Malaya...I don't know why it had to be like this, dear baby. How we miss you.

At the end of our visit we were saying goodbye and when I hugged the mom I started crying and I said that I'm sorry (I need to stop apologizing for missing my daughter!)...she was SO understanding. I told her that we are so happy for them and that we just wanted to meet her.

I'm still refraining from baby showers, but I'm glad I got to be able to go to a newborn and love on her and her parents and still honor the memory of my beloved baby. It certainly showed me how God gives His grace to be able to get through.

Because of sin (by the way, I HATE sin even more now) this world sucks. I'm gonna have to live with some (varying and complicated) degree of pain for the rest of my life. Still, it's almost strange that I have joy as well. Joy in Christ. As silly as that may sound to those who don't follow Jesus, it's the most real lesson I've learned this week. So I can't wait until Heaven where pain is not even allowed in. Then I'll have just pure, unadulterated joy.

Black Saturday, Easter, and the days following

Black Saturday -
A few weeks ago at the perinatal bereavement group, Sharon (the chaplain who faciltates the group), was telling us that as we look to Easter the events that took place then can be seen as similar to what we are going through now. The disciples were mourning on that day and were in a sort of in-between state; Jesus was crucified and died and hadn't raised from the dead yet. After Jesus died I can just imagine that amongst those who loved him--his mother, the eleven apostles, and the rest of His followers--there was much sadness, sorrow, and disappointment. However, that was not the end of the story. Praise God. They then experienced surprising joy when they found out that Jesus was resurrected and didn't stay dead. He was with them once again.
As parents who have lost their babies, we are in kind of in the same emotional state as the disciples as we are grieving the death of our babies. We are currently in a "Black Saturday" mode and we cry and we hurt...I feel a literal ache at times. However, we can have tremendous hope as we look to the day where we will be reunited with our sons or daughters in Heaven. What glorious promises! :)

Easter- in one word --> Healing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but it was as if the resurrection of Jesus has taken on new meaning and I gained SO much encouragement as I revel in how He is alive and how He has made me eternally alive in Him. I can now appreciate the gift of Heaven because I have someone so very special there. And I just want to be with the Lord and behold Him in His splendor and beauty. Oh, that I would keep His sacrifice and the resurrection ever before me! After Easter happenings:

Disneyland -
It was so much fun to go with some family that are visiting from Davao. (I shouldn't have worked out my lower body at the gym that same morning, though. It took me three days to finally be able to walk up and down stairs without wincing!) I did, however, actually cry a little when I was in line for Small World because I knew I'd never get to take my daughter and sing this song (that they play at least 25 times during the ride!) with her.

Hanging out with friends from the bereavement group -
We were able to share a meal together, share photos and memories about our babies, play Taboo, and I was rolling on the floor as some of us shared a few of our most embarrassing moments. Crazy people--hilarious and real.

Spending time with some family -
It's been awesome having Ate Chel, Kuya Chito, Tiffany(6), and Ruthie(3), and Ate Pat around. I've been driving them around So Cal and seeing sights I haven't even been to (and I've lived here practically all my life!). I've been enjoying the conversation, the company, and the kids :)

Good Friday

First, what a joy it is to have good friends?

(I've been venturing out more and it's done a world of good. I think I've gotten over caring that I cry in front of people and am finally accepting their presence and attempts to comfort).

Today King and I met at Coffee Bean with my old co-worker Sarah and her husband Richie who are living in Georgia. What kindred spirits they were! We laughed and shared our stories. We talked about loving our Muslim cousins. We spoke about their plans to live in China and ours to live in Indonesia. We even took time to talk about how we were doing about our losses as well.

Also, what is Tommy's Sushi without a few good buddies and a poki/poke(sp?) bowl? Our friends Thuy, Jourdan and Joanna, and Nico (my sister's fiance) all went to the RockHarbor Good Friday service and then ate out afterward. Yum and fun.

Hey, if ever you are in Costa Mesa on a weekend you can't miss RockHarbor http://rockharbor.org Let us know if you're ever interested and we'll try to join you. (P.S. If you didn't know already, we love this church). King asked me why I wanted to go to the service the other night. I said because I want to focus on Jesus and the cross. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

And I'm so glad we went. We sang songs that are some of my favorite because of the depths of truth to them. They sang "Once Again"-one of my favorites (sung at my wedding by my sister)
Once again I look upon the cross where You died.
I'm humbled by Your mercy
and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my heart.

There was an interpretive dance of Jesus' crucifixion, then some artists came up and on big white sheets were painting as we sang some songs. The middle sheet was big feet with a nail pierced through and the perspective was as if we were looking up at them from the ground up. The two side sheets were of hands in different positions. The pastor talked about how the hands symbolize how we all see the cross and the unselfish love differently--some come so thankful, some come to Christ empty with nothing to give, and some come with fingers pointing-not believing that this awesome love could actually be real.

At the end of the service, the pastor told us to write on a small piece of paper something in our lives that can be nailed to the cross (an addiction, lies that have been told us that we've believed about ourselves, something we want to change, etc). During the singing we actually nailed the paper to the cross with a hammer. Afterward, there would be a piece of paper that we could pick up that had Bible verses about our true identity in God. At that moment I perked up because two days ago I sensed strongly that God is wanting me to focus on my identity in Christ! (e.g. that I am God's child, loved by Him, that I can find grace and mercy in time of need, etc.). I was like, 'Dude, God...How cool are You? :)' I whispered to King that that was exactly what I believe God wants me to think on and understand right now.

It's so wonderful how He works. It was like He was speaking right to me :)

I have legitimate feelings of sorrow over losing Malaya, so this grief is definitely real and warranted. However, as time progresses I told myself that I am not going to get stuck in my grief. It's not right to stay this way forever. I'm not gonna rush things and I'm not going to suppress any crazy emotion, but it's not healthy to live in wallowing and see myself as a bereaved, grieving mother for the rest of my life. That is not WHO I am. What has happened to me is that I have lost my child and because of that I am sorrowful. In time, I'm going to learn to let go (what that means, I have yet to completely understand...but I do know it does not mean that I will forget her. May it never be so.)


The love on that cross... SO amazing. But peoples, let's remember that it's NOT His physical crucifixion that saved us. Don't get me wrong, He went through EXCRUCIATING pain. However, if it was only the torture and pain on the cross that saved us, ANYONE could have done it for us. But it was the forsaking of the turning away of the Father, the wrath of our ALL sins that was laid upon Him that caused Jesus to say, "My God, My God. Why have You forsaken me?" It HAD to happen. This perfect, God in flesh, literally became sin that the Father couldn't look upon Him. 2 Corinthians 5:21 - "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."


Anyway, it is a Good Friday in so many ways.

SD and a hard day

The days before and even after Malaya's EDD turned out to be harder than the actual day.

Our trip to San Diego proved to be helpful to our souls. On Friday, King and I set out with Macky, JoAnn, and Baby Noah. They are like family to us. I'm calling them my unofficial cousins. That night, Leo and Judy joined us--again, our dear friends.

In the evening, King and I sent up balloons with fun sticker faces on them. (We bought the helium tank at Party City because we figured this isn't the last time that we'll be sending up a note) Later, as I thought about it the faces were pretty appropriate because King and I are kinda that way...we're both pretty laid back and can be silly. It was like giving Malaya a chance to get to know us.



King made the blue balloon and I made the purple one. My balloon was kinda droopy, so we attached a yellow one to be in the middle so we'd know it would fly.
It turned out to be quite symbolic in that the yellow one was the higher flying balloon. It seemed as if it was leading the other two up to the sky. King said as we were walking away from the beach, that the yellow balloon was like Jesus, the center of our relationship. He was leading the way, making sure our love and our notes get sent up to Heaven.

On Saturday, Arnel (a long time friend) and King's cousins, Mark and Dennis, joined us. We went to crowded Mission Beach and I got sunburned. When we went back to our hotel, I took a nap and when I woke up I decided to walk along the beach by myself. It was good to be outside, but then I realized that the sand reminded me of my baby. The texture of the sand was pretty fine, and there were a lot of small pieces of broken white shells mixed in. It reminded me of her ashes and her little pieces of bone. It was like walking on a ground so sacred...

On Sunday, King and I slept in and then we all had lunch in Little Italy. Afterward, we picked up some yummyness at Extraordinary Desserts...ooo-la-la!

Overall, our trip to San Diego was actually quite fun and filled with much laughter.
Yesterday, however, I had one of the hardest days since Malaya died. My good friend and King's cousin just gave birth within five days of each other. Part of me rejoices for brand new lives and part of me sorrows because of Malaya's death. When we were all pregnant we all looked forward to having our kids grow up with each other...but now, that's just not gonna happen.

The absoluteness of Malaya's death was made so real by the birth of these two boys. My baby really is gone. I was so sad at the contrast of the utter joy that they are experiencing after giving birth versus the stings and punches of sorrow that King and I have been feeling. I cried and cried throughout the whole day, King held me when he got home from work. And then we went to the gym and I let the spinning class be a way to get out my frustrations. I felt better, but I think I'm coming down with something. I couldn't sleep til 3:30am and even afterward I got up a few times. I feel so icky... Ay-yay-yay.

What a ride of ups and downs (and middles), highs and lows (and in-betweens), joys and sorrows (and just being), laughter and tears (and sitting and thinking). What can I do but embrace every moment?

April 3rd in San Diego - Her due date is just one day closer...

So, King and I will be getting away for the weekend again. Last time it was in SB and now it's gonna be in SD (San Diego). In Santa Barbara, it was all so new and I was still fairly numb from the shock. Now, as we go down south to San Diego reality has set in and we are already familiar with the truth of her death and the anguish that comes with it.

Had Malaya gone all the way to term, her estimated due date would be tomorrow--April 3rd. This week has been a strange, depressing week for me. King's been feeling it, too. It's as if I've been going through daily activities while walking in a fog. My eyes have been stinging in the afternoons because they are so dry and tired. Thoughts of the realities of what could have been had she been healthy come in and out of my head all day. We could have heard her cry...we could have been three instead of two...we could have been learning how to carefully give her a bath...we could have only had the sweet instead of the accompanying bitter...we could have had life and not death. Yet, I can't get caught in those thoughts because it's a downward spiral.

This week there have been more frequent moments of heaviness in my chest and in my throat (if I'm trying to hold in tears--which, by the way, I've learned does not help). The only way I can alleviate those feelings is to cry it out. It is a mystery to me that my body tells me what I need to do in order to grieve properly. Sadness that doesn't tell me when she's coming. She creeps up behind me and then strikes somewhere in my heart with a momentum that seems too strong. It's the grace of God that gets me through those surprising, dismal moments.

How amazingly complex we are that emotions run so deep and they must come upward and outward from within for us to find relief.

We'll be going to San Diego with some friends. These friends have been among the ones who have stood by us through this whole ordeal. I wasn't sure if we should have just planned it alone, but King wanted company and several of them have shown me that I am safe to mourn with them and they will mourn along with me. (I'm learning this--that I need people and that it's okay to not be okay with them. I don't need to smile all the time. Oh, and this has humbled me.)

Oh, God. This ache...it's so difficult to explain and even understand, yet You are fully aware of all that I'm going through. You are entirely wise and I, certainly, have no claim to know all. How does this fit into Your plan?

Sometimes at the end of the day I am comforted as I thank God because of Jesus' victory over death. Because of what He did for her and for us all by shedding His blood on the cross and how He defeated the grave, she is in Heaven. Malaya had no culpability of knowing good from evil and she had no time on earth to be able to sin blatantly. She is with God--THAT I am positively sure of. She is safe in His arms. As a follower of Jesus I know that I will also one day follow Him as I walk into the glory of eternity.

I eagerly await the day when we will be praising God and will be together with Malaya forever. This life here on earth is really so short.

A thought that gets me through some tough moments--
'One day closer to her.'