April 3rd in San Diego - Her due date is just one day closer...

So, King and I will be getting away for the weekend again. Last time it was in SB and now it's gonna be in SD (San Diego). In Santa Barbara, it was all so new and I was still fairly numb from the shock. Now, as we go down south to San Diego reality has set in and we are already familiar with the truth of her death and the anguish that comes with it.

Had Malaya gone all the way to term, her estimated due date would be tomorrow--April 3rd. This week has been a strange, depressing week for me. King's been feeling it, too. It's as if I've been going through daily activities while walking in a fog. My eyes have been stinging in the afternoons because they are so dry and tired. Thoughts of the realities of what could have been had she been healthy come in and out of my head all day. We could have heard her cry...we could have been three instead of two...we could have been learning how to carefully give her a bath...we could have only had the sweet instead of the accompanying bitter...we could have had life and not death. Yet, I can't get caught in those thoughts because it's a downward spiral.

This week there have been more frequent moments of heaviness in my chest and in my throat (if I'm trying to hold in tears--which, by the way, I've learned does not help). The only way I can alleviate those feelings is to cry it out. It is a mystery to me that my body tells me what I need to do in order to grieve properly. Sadness that doesn't tell me when she's coming. She creeps up behind me and then strikes somewhere in my heart with a momentum that seems too strong. It's the grace of God that gets me through those surprising, dismal moments.

How amazingly complex we are that emotions run so deep and they must come upward and outward from within for us to find relief.

We'll be going to San Diego with some friends. These friends have been among the ones who have stood by us through this whole ordeal. I wasn't sure if we should have just planned it alone, but King wanted company and several of them have shown me that I am safe to mourn with them and they will mourn along with me. (I'm learning this--that I need people and that it's okay to not be okay with them. I don't need to smile all the time. Oh, and this has humbled me.)

Oh, God. This ache...it's so difficult to explain and even understand, yet You are fully aware of all that I'm going through. You are entirely wise and I, certainly, have no claim to know all. How does this fit into Your plan?

Sometimes at the end of the day I am comforted as I thank God because of Jesus' victory over death. Because of what He did for her and for us all by shedding His blood on the cross and how He defeated the grave, she is in Heaven. Malaya had no culpability of knowing good from evil and she had no time on earth to be able to sin blatantly. She is with God--THAT I am positively sure of. She is safe in His arms. As a follower of Jesus I know that I will also one day follow Him as I walk into the glory of eternity.

I eagerly await the day when we will be praising God and will be together with Malaya forever. This life here on earth is really so short.

A thought that gets me through some tough moments--
'One day closer to her.'