Coexist - our first newborn experience since we lost her

At GriefShare last night one of the topics that really struck me was that pain and joy can coexist. Before I thought that they were totally separate experiences. I would be either in pain and not joyful or...joyful and not in pain.

It was interesting that I was able to experience what I just learned today.

One of our good friends contacted us and let us know that his wife had her baby. I was praying for her continually yesterday as I knew she was in labor. Before this, I had been opting out of any major baby events--I didn't go to baby showers and I still haven't been able to see some of my friends' newborns.

When I got the text that she had given birth I knew somehow that I was going to visit them at the hospital. I don't know, it seemed like the next step that God was leading me to. So, early that afternoon we saw our friends' hours old baby. She was adorable with a very full head of hair.

King and I fell in love with her and held her. At the same time, my heart was broken at the mere difference in our experience. Malaya was not alive when she was born and so she did not move, cry, or make any cooing noises. When we walked in the mom was breastfeeding and for me my baby never got to even taste my milk. This baby was heavier at over six pounds while our baby was 2.82 lbs. This baby had beautiful eyes, a nose, and a mouth and her umbilical cord was cut. Our baby didn't have those features and her umbilical cord was jumbled with the placenta, the tissue over her would be face, and her heart.

The things that were in this baby that reminded us of Malaya was her incredibly soft cheek. King and I talk about Malaya's cheek often and touch babies' cheeks to see if they're anything like hers...This baby has been the very closest to hers. Also, another similarity was this baby's sweet, black, peach-fuzzed back and shoulders. Right now Malaya's body is no longer whole and intact and all we have left is her ashes and tiny bone fragments. Oh my, Malaya...I don't know why it had to be like this, dear baby. How we miss you.

At the end of our visit we were saying goodbye and when I hugged the mom I started crying and I said that I'm sorry (I need to stop apologizing for missing my daughter!)...she was SO understanding. I told her that we are so happy for them and that we just wanted to meet her.

I'm still refraining from baby showers, but I'm glad I got to be able to go to a newborn and love on her and her parents and still honor the memory of my beloved baby. It certainly showed me how God gives His grace to be able to get through.

Because of sin (by the way, I HATE sin even more now) this world sucks. I'm gonna have to live with some (varying and complicated) degree of pain for the rest of my life. Still, it's almost strange that I have joy as well. Joy in Christ. As silly as that may sound to those who don't follow Jesus, it's the most real lesson I've learned this week. So I can't wait until Heaven where pain is not even allowed in. Then I'll have just pure, unadulterated joy.