weeping and lament

King started working on Monday. And this is the first time I've spent most of my days alone. These last three days have had a few times of intense weeping for me. As I write this I just finished. It feels like I'm crying all the way from the bottom of my gut. I groan and cry with wails like a baby. My head hurts afterward.

I ask God why He had to take her...why He didn't just let her live with us. And then I cry out for help and His comfort and for rest because my soul is so weary. Then, when I can finally breathe again I thank Him for His love, for helping me through, and for never leaving me.

I cry out to my baby and ask her why she had to go and why she can't be here in my arms. I tell her that I miss her so much and I would do anything so that we could be together again.

I tell Malaya how much her daddy misses her too. When I see him looking at the pictures or her slide show he touches the screen as if he is touching her skin. He puts her receiving blanket next to us at night, holds it, and my tears fall while I'm lying down next to him. King doesn't cry like me because we all grieve differently, but he tells baby that he misses her. This all saddens me even more.

I need to lament. I need to weep. If I hold it in I fear I might explode or get sick.

Someone wrote me an email yesterday and she said, "I imagine the pain is still so stabbing..." I cried as I read that because that describes EXACTLY how I'm feeling.

And then she said this, "...I promise it won't always be so raw." Oh, how that gives me hope that my despair will not be forever.

Psalm 30:5b
...weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
God, be my refuge for however long this night will last. I will hold on to You. I also look forward to the morning, Lord, when I can rejoice again.