what we are going through

I have attempted several times over the last few days to start this new post and once I start thinking of what to write, my eyes well up with tears and the laptop screen gets really blurry.

Our lives have been just that lately: blurry.

Trying to make sense of our situation has left our minds in a whirlwind sometimes. I really don't ever think this is going to make sense.

We are just plain tired.
Simply exhausted. It seems that it doesn't matter how much sleep we get, we don't ever feel satisfied when we wake up or take naps.

Our hearts hurt.
Even when we read the encouraging emails and texts that people write to us we are uplifted yet cry at each one. We are made aware with each flower sent, gift opened, card read, food brought, and hug given that we are the ones in need. We are the ones that are going through this dark time. Tears fall freely down our cheeks in this household.

In addition to all of this, we are both sick.
Sometimes I hear King waking up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit. The germs have finally gotten the best of me last night. With all that's been happening my immune system has become susceptible to sickness.

We loathe both options of the decision we are making.
It seems that there is no loophole out of the inevitable conclusion of our beautiful daughter's death. Either way, she will be taken from us without us even getting a chance to become fully acquainted. And this four letter word, pain, sums up what is unavoidable.

YET...

Have we been forsaken?
We believe with all our hearts the answer is no.

We are loved.
We have beheld with our eyes the beauty of our God through the love that is being constantly poured out around us. People like you who are reading this blog have cared enough to show and express your care. King's sister and brother-in-law flew out from New Mexico this weekend just to be with us. Some of our friends and family have brought us food, cried with us on our shoulders, and have listened as we have disclosed what we have been feeling...even if this is just with the words that tears speak.

God's grace has been sufficient.
I don't know how we have gotten through these past few days save for His grace that He has given to us...and that has been abundant. Somehow, we are still sometimes able to find ourselves sincerely laughing at a joke. The pain is real, but the peace is also. We grieve, but we haven't lost our hope...our hope isn't placed in the falsity that all will be happy. Instead, our hope is established in Christ. He has always and will always be faithful and true to us.

We have seen God's name being glorified.
One woman who is a friend of a friend who lost her first baby in a similar way has been emailing us and she said:
My heart grieves for your situation. It is dark and terrible and awful, but praise Jesus, God is bigger than the most terrible things. One way or another, there will be light on the other side of this. And Jesus' glory will shine through the whole time.
This is so true. We have already seen it. People who have told me they never pray, are crying out to God on our behalf. We have seen in action those who "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" and this has shown us God's compassion in the hearts of people...even total strangers. Others who have gone through losing a baby at birth have shared with us their experiences. Their situations have shown that what they went through was not in vain.

Our hearts are breaking. This is a very true statement. Nonetheless, there is the wonderfully strange irony of the Father who somehow allowed this to happen and still is the only One who can truly comfort and heal us.

We are now just starting to grasp and understand the hope of Heaven for our daughter, which will probably be in another post...

We continue to covet your prayers and encouragement as we have only just begun this difficult journey. Thank you, dear family and friends, from the bottom of our hearts.