Doc appt-Wednesday and more thoughts

We are transferring our care from our midwife to an OB at Long Beach Memorial Hospital. Thankfully, this OB is the same perinatologist that gave us the news so I feel like he is fully competent to be able to handle our situation. When he told us about our baby, he seemed very caring, compassionate, and was someone that could be trusted in delivering our baby. Actually, it is wonderful because we found out that our good friends, Macky, JoAnn, and Vlad used to work with his wife and actually know him personally. So, our appointment is going to be this Wednesday at 11:15am. This isn't going to be an induction, but will be the time when we will be asking a lot of questions and talking about the next step. (Just keep checking our blog for updates)

I'm glad we found this doctor, but it is yet another reminder of how this has changed our lives when we weren't really asking for our lives to be changed. We were planning to have either a home birth or a birthing center birth and it was supposed to be all natural. No pitocin or epidurals. We absolutely loved the care and people at South Coast Midwifery and they have been more than supportive when they found out as well. Many of our plans and expectations went out the window. We have learned much about the following verses:

Proverbs 16:9
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 19:21
21 Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

I believe that there is a purpose (even purposes) for all that has happened to us. I'm holding onto this hope even though I might not be able to see all the reasons while on this earth. God isn't a random God who decides to strike people down because He's just plain angry. I have been reading the book of Job and am comforted to know that there is a backstory to all of the calamities that Job went through--a dialogue set in Heaven, which Job, neither his wife, nor his "friends" were privy to. We've been trying to understand why this has happened, but will never truly get it. I think it'll be only till I come Home will it all make sense. Until then, I refuse to stop trusting in God's goodness and love. That's the only real thing I know right now.

Pastor Vince also wisely reminded us that life is a series of receiving and letting go. When joyful times come, we must learn to relish them for we know they will last but only for a moment. When the storms come, we must learn to accept them for what they are, forgive life, and learn to let go.

Malaya has been kicking so much lately and I am treasuring each kick and movement and each second spent with her. Yet, I'm also allowing myself to start to say goodbye. I've begun writing in a journal, per Pastor Vince's advice, and addressing the entries to Malaya. Sometimes I can barely see what I am writing because of all the tears that are coming, but it has been so freeing to let her know all my thoughts, feelings, and even the unmet expectations I have. I just don't want to repress anything. I have set in my heart that I am not going to fear what lies ahead for me, King or Malaya. God has given me the courage and strength to be able to begin to face reality.

Ecclesiastes 3, the "a time for everything" chapter, has helped put things in perspective. I cling onto the first part of 3:11 - "He has made everything beautiful in its time." In time, I want to be able to behold this beauty.